Not the Best Friday Night...
It's been a long and trying day. Here's the deal: the relationship that I'm in now seems to be floating on thin ice that seems to be getting thinner all the time. This isn't the place for details. Some things, after all, are sacred. But, suffice it to say that what I had thought was secure has been shaken badly.
Like most people, I've been through my share of relationships that didn't work. I know there's nothing special in that. Hell, there are people who've been married for years, only to end their marriage in unhappy divorce. Seems common enough these days. But, for me, I've been through it enough. I've paid my dues. It's time for me to find some happiness and security.
I've said before that my biggest fear is mediocrity. That's half the truth. Although I hate to admit it, I'm just as afraid of being alone and ending up alone. That sounds dramatic, I know, and I hate drama queens as much as the next person. But that's just the unabashed truth. It seems that finding someone to call my own is a bigger concern for me than it is for most people. I wish I could be more like some people I know who are fine with being by themselves. I know plenty of people who prefer it, but that's where the difference in personal build comes in. I'm just not built that way. I want someone who I can lie down with every night and wake up with every morning and come home to every day. I know this all sounds terribly cheesy, but it's all true.
I probably shouldn't, but I look at long-term couples with an envious eye. I want to be that person who says, "Yeah, we've been together for x years. Oh, the things we've been through..." Then I would laugh and talk about some trials we've been through with a dismissive wave of the hand. "And here we are." And everyone around me laughs and smiles, perhaps even envying me for the relationship I have. And people will ask how we met and I'll get to tell them that story and they'd all say, "awww," and I'd grab my partner's hand and squeeze it and know that we'll still be together tomorrow.
Sappy, right? Well, I'm a sappy person. I have to admit it now. Besides success in writing, that's all I've ever wanted--just someone to call mine and who I can lean on and who can lean on me. Not someone who I think is that person, only to find out for whatever reason down the road that once again, I was wrong.
Granted, nothing fatal happened. No relationships suddenly ended tonight. Mine is still intact, but for the first time, it's in question. I don't want this to end up the same way all the others have. I don't want this one to be another part of the story that "just didn't work." You can only have so many sad parts of a story before you just lose the reader.
This hasn't been a good night for me. Hopefully a night of sleep will change my perspective of things. Hopefully things won't seem so bleak tomorrow. For now, I'm waiting for my NyTol to kick in. I've been off it for a while, but for a good night's sleep tonight, it's a necessity. The last thing I need is a night lying in bed, thinking about unhappy things.
Anyhow, it's the beginning of the weekend. Things have to go up from here. Or, so I hope. I hope everyone else's weekend is off to a good start. Good night to all and have fun.
--Joseph
Like most people, I've been through my share of relationships that didn't work. I know there's nothing special in that. Hell, there are people who've been married for years, only to end their marriage in unhappy divorce. Seems common enough these days. But, for me, I've been through it enough. I've paid my dues. It's time for me to find some happiness and security.
I've said before that my biggest fear is mediocrity. That's half the truth. Although I hate to admit it, I'm just as afraid of being alone and ending up alone. That sounds dramatic, I know, and I hate drama queens as much as the next person. But that's just the unabashed truth. It seems that finding someone to call my own is a bigger concern for me than it is for most people. I wish I could be more like some people I know who are fine with being by themselves. I know plenty of people who prefer it, but that's where the difference in personal build comes in. I'm just not built that way. I want someone who I can lie down with every night and wake up with every morning and come home to every day. I know this all sounds terribly cheesy, but it's all true.
I probably shouldn't, but I look at long-term couples with an envious eye. I want to be that person who says, "Yeah, we've been together for x years. Oh, the things we've been through..." Then I would laugh and talk about some trials we've been through with a dismissive wave of the hand. "And here we are." And everyone around me laughs and smiles, perhaps even envying me for the relationship I have. And people will ask how we met and I'll get to tell them that story and they'd all say, "awww," and I'd grab my partner's hand and squeeze it and know that we'll still be together tomorrow.
Sappy, right? Well, I'm a sappy person. I have to admit it now. Besides success in writing, that's all I've ever wanted--just someone to call mine and who I can lean on and who can lean on me. Not someone who I think is that person, only to find out for whatever reason down the road that once again, I was wrong.
Granted, nothing fatal happened. No relationships suddenly ended tonight. Mine is still intact, but for the first time, it's in question. I don't want this to end up the same way all the others have. I don't want this one to be another part of the story that "just didn't work." You can only have so many sad parts of a story before you just lose the reader.
This hasn't been a good night for me. Hopefully a night of sleep will change my perspective of things. Hopefully things won't seem so bleak tomorrow. For now, I'm waiting for my NyTol to kick in. I've been off it for a while, but for a good night's sleep tonight, it's a necessity. The last thing I need is a night lying in bed, thinking about unhappy things.
Anyhow, it's the beginning of the weekend. Things have to go up from here. Or, so I hope. I hope everyone else's weekend is off to a good start. Good night to all and have fun.
--Joseph
posted by Joseph at 12:37 AM
3 Comments:
I think people have to go through several relationships until they can say they prefer to be alone. I've only had three short relationships, and I say I like being solo, but it's just something I got used to.
People get praised for wanting to be alone and "free" but I think those who are brave enough to go through relationships and hope for the right one to come along deserve props, too.
sometimes it's better to ask the really hard really important questions up front....what music you like isn't nearly as important as say "how do you handle finances" or "what are you personal politics and how accepting are you of others".. momma always said you can judge someone by how they handle a crisis, not how good they are when things are easy.
Hopefully that will help you in your quest to find your personal and your relationship identity.
Tell Marcus j.lo & Fabolous said:
"Get Right!"
...because regret is a mothafucka
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