Waking Up?
So, it's been four days since I first hung out with J. You know, the subject of my second-to-last post (no, not the one where I bitch about my laptop).
Wow. I have been impressed. But, at the same time, I am scared. All kinds of alarms are going off inside my head. I have been hurt way too many times before. And the last one has brought me lower than I've ever been.
In all honesty, my time with J has been wonderful. We've hung out every night since that first dinner on Friday. He has been a gentleman and has listened and understood and wants to stand by me while I go through the Change and Healing process. And Lord knows that's all I want--just someone to stand with me, not try to fix me or make me believe everything that comes out of his mouth. And J seems to be that person, someone who genuinely wants to be there. That simple.
But there are times still--a lot of them--when I see his eyes and it takes me back to him. I see those eyes that first drew me five months ago (damn! already, huh?) and I remember how every kiss felt and how his hands felt and I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that comfortable with someone again. At the risk of sounding like a whining child, he was supposed to be the one that stuck, the one that finally owned up to everything he said. And in the end, it was an illusion. And that is the hardest thing to accept. I was lifted so high. And he let me fall, and didn't even stay around long enough to see how I landed.
Your toy balloon has sailed in the sky
But now it must fall to the ground
Now your sadness revealed
Just how badly you feel
There is no easy way down
The view from the cliffs
Must've been exciting
And up to the peaks
You were bound
Now you're stranded alone
And the past is unknown
And there is no easy way down
No, it isn't very easy
When you find yourself out on your own
No, it isn't very easy
When each road you take
Is one more mistake
There's no one to break your fall
And lead you back home
We all like to climb
To the heights
Where our fantasy world can be found
But you must know in the end
When it's time to descend
There is no easy way down
There is no easy way down
Norah was able to say it better than me.
And now someone else wants to be there. And Lord knows I want someone there. And I don't want to make a new person pay for old mistakes, but it's so hard to believe anymore. I'm trying. J has made me feel more at peace than I had in weeks. I feel more wanted than I have in weeks--weeks of feeling the coldness of being alone, and starting to believe that that was all I had to look forward to. Now this... I am grateful; don't get me wrong. Just fighting my jadedness. Trying to take these baby steps and let someone take them with me.
It's hard.
--Joseph
Wow. I have been impressed. But, at the same time, I am scared. All kinds of alarms are going off inside my head. I have been hurt way too many times before. And the last one has brought me lower than I've ever been.
In all honesty, my time with J has been wonderful. We've hung out every night since that first dinner on Friday. He has been a gentleman and has listened and understood and wants to stand by me while I go through the Change and Healing process. And Lord knows that's all I want--just someone to stand with me, not try to fix me or make me believe everything that comes out of his mouth. And J seems to be that person, someone who genuinely wants to be there. That simple.
But there are times still--a lot of them--when I see his eyes and it takes me back to him. I see those eyes that first drew me five months ago (damn! already, huh?) and I remember how every kiss felt and how his hands felt and I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that comfortable with someone again. At the risk of sounding like a whining child, he was supposed to be the one that stuck, the one that finally owned up to everything he said. And in the end, it was an illusion. And that is the hardest thing to accept. I was lifted so high. And he let me fall, and didn't even stay around long enough to see how I landed.
Your toy balloon has sailed in the sky
But now it must fall to the ground
Now your sadness revealed
Just how badly you feel
There is no easy way down
The view from the cliffs
Must've been exciting
And up to the peaks
You were bound
Now you're stranded alone
And the past is unknown
And there is no easy way down
No, it isn't very easy
When you find yourself out on your own
No, it isn't very easy
When each road you take
Is one more mistake
There's no one to break your fall
And lead you back home
We all like to climb
To the heights
Where our fantasy world can be found
But you must know in the end
When it's time to descend
There is no easy way down
There is no easy way down
Norah was able to say it better than me.
And now someone else wants to be there. And Lord knows I want someone there. And I don't want to make a new person pay for old mistakes, but it's so hard to believe anymore. I'm trying. J has made me feel more at peace than I had in weeks. I feel more wanted than I have in weeks--weeks of feeling the coldness of being alone, and starting to believe that that was all I had to look forward to. Now this... I am grateful; don't get me wrong. Just fighting my jadedness. Trying to take these baby steps and let someone take them with me.
It's hard.
--Joseph
posted by Joseph at 11:17 AM
3 Comments:
Enjoy your time with J...but place no pressure on yourself to move anywhere, even forward. No new person will take away what you yourself need to figure a way through. Make sure to take time alone, still, even if it hurts, if only to get through it.
Love,fig
Yes it's hard, hell, don't I know it, but still, give yourself time and you will trust again. You just need a bit of time. Look at me! I trusted R and his betrayal was so heartbreaking I could not begin to tell you - except maybe over coffee over at David's place on 5th, but certainly not here - and still, I trust now. Took a hell of a lot, but I trust.
Dang, I went missing for a few weeks and you've met someone? Not fair! :)
I know it's still hard. I'm trying to get interested in new guys but I just can't. That feeling of there's unfinished business still lingers. How the hell do we get rid of it?
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