Learning

I've reached a quiet stage in this huge, long process called Change. The hurt's still there, but it's in a more minor key now. I've learned to accept it as the low humming that it is, and that it will continue to be for some time. But, that's the thing. I'm learning to accept it, rather than fight it and berate myself for feeling it. I'm learning to give myself credit for the small things I do every day. Even when at my lowest, I continued to come to work, to do a good enough job that my boss daily tells me how grateful she is, to be a caring uncle for my niece, to share myself with people at weekly open mics. That, in itself, is cause not for celebration, but for a quiet smile and nod. Too long, I've been hard on myself, telling myself I shouldn't be feeling things, that I shouldn't be so weak, that I should respond to events the same way people around me do. But I'm finally learning to take care of Me, to let myself feel what I need to and to guard myself from the opinions (even well-meaning ones) of others.

There's still a lot to learn. I need to set my boundaries more firmly, learn how to be less dependent on every one around me, but that will come in time. I can allow myself that time now. I'm finally learning patience.

Like I've said before: growing up at 27. It's a crazy thing, but I'll take it now rather than later.

Now, enough contemplation... I've found an old friend that I met about four years ago, but had lost touch with for a long time. Last night, he sent me some pictures I had sent him back in '01, from my party days. Whew! It was good to see those pictures. :) The first thing I thought was, I look so happy. I had such a good time in those days. It's always good to see things like that to remind us of where we once were and where we can be, if we just give ourselves the time and allowance to get there.

Anyhow, I'm meeting this friend next month and am very excited. We've known each other for years and have never met. It should be great. And we'll get the chance to catch up. I hope he las a lot of time on his hands...

Hope all is well with y'all and I'll get back soon.

--Joseph