Trying to Recover
Why are the end of relationships so difficult? I've mentioned before that I know people who are fine with being alone, who don't seemed to be phased much by their relationship status, or lack of one. I've also mentioned that I'm not one of those people.
It seems I'm at the tail end of yet another relationship. That makes four in four years. And it never gets any easier. I'm not one who has "casual" relationships. I tend to go all the way into it relatively quickly. Doesn't take much for me to fall. I've spent years trying to understand why, but the conclusion I'm coming to is that's just the way I'm built. I've tried to change it, tried to keep some distance as I ease into a relationship, but no matter how many times I try to tell myself I'm going to do it this time, it never happens.
What follows may sound terribly naive and domestic, especially since it seems to be in fashion for modern twenty-somethings to be independent and stand-alones.
I've been hoping for years to find the person I can spend my life with. Yes, that's right, the rest of my life. I know not many people in their twenties are looking for that. But if I could just have someone that I love and I can lie down with at night, wake up to in the morning, make good love to, and spend my days with, I would be a happy, happy person—and finally feel at peace.
The trend lately is that I seem to find someone who fits the bill and they come up with some reason down the line why they're not that person, or why I'm not that person for them. I was with one man for almost three years before it finally ended. You would think after all that time, we'd have some solid footing...
Anyhow, relationships continue to intrigue and defeat me. No matter how I think I have one down, it never fails. Something catches me by surprise. My partner says something that trips me up. And nothing they say after that makes it any easier. In fact, when they start with the, “I didn’t want it to turn out like this; I never meant to hurt you,” it just makes me feel worse. It makes me angry and sadder. How can you have the audacity to sound sad when you’re the one doing this? I know that sounds petulant, but when you’re feeling raw and wide open, petulance is the first resort.
The rest is a matter of recovering from the stun. Mostly because that’s all I can do at this point. No one can force anyone else to do anything. No one can make anyone else stay. All one can do is try to recover and hold it together.
--Joseph
It seems I'm at the tail end of yet another relationship. That makes four in four years. And it never gets any easier. I'm not one who has "casual" relationships. I tend to go all the way into it relatively quickly. Doesn't take much for me to fall. I've spent years trying to understand why, but the conclusion I'm coming to is that's just the way I'm built. I've tried to change it, tried to keep some distance as I ease into a relationship, but no matter how many times I try to tell myself I'm going to do it this time, it never happens.
What follows may sound terribly naive and domestic, especially since it seems to be in fashion for modern twenty-somethings to be independent and stand-alones.
I've been hoping for years to find the person I can spend my life with. Yes, that's right, the rest of my life. I know not many people in their twenties are looking for that. But if I could just have someone that I love and I can lie down with at night, wake up to in the morning, make good love to, and spend my days with, I would be a happy, happy person—and finally feel at peace.
The trend lately is that I seem to find someone who fits the bill and they come up with some reason down the line why they're not that person, or why I'm not that person for them. I was with one man for almost three years before it finally ended. You would think after all that time, we'd have some solid footing...
Anyhow, relationships continue to intrigue and defeat me. No matter how I think I have one down, it never fails. Something catches me by surprise. My partner says something that trips me up. And nothing they say after that makes it any easier. In fact, when they start with the, “I didn’t want it to turn out like this; I never meant to hurt you,” it just makes me feel worse. It makes me angry and sadder. How can you have the audacity to sound sad when you’re the one doing this? I know that sounds petulant, but when you’re feeling raw and wide open, petulance is the first resort.
The rest is a matter of recovering from the stun. Mostly because that’s all I can do at this point. No one can force anyone else to do anything. No one can make anyone else stay. All one can do is try to recover and hold it together.
--Joseph
posted by Joseph at 3:03 AM
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