How Far Away is 30, Again?
So much going on in my head... job, dating, location. Oh, these turbulent 20's. As much as I claim to dread hitting 30, I think I'm slowly looking forward to it. Hopefully things will even out by then and I can look back on my 20's as "a phase."
So, with the return to California quickly approaching (I know, I know, it's still four days away, but I can feel the sand sliding down the hourglass more and more quickly), I've been evaluating things. First, my job. As much as I wanted to get back to the kids, this position I have now is not adding to my life. Actually, it's stressing me the hell out. Hell, I'd probably be happier doing something like waiting tables and getting serious with my writing. I don't want to work social services the rest of my life. But I am afraid of letting go of a job so soon and especially of letting go of that pay. It's a decent paycheck. But am I willing to sell myself for it? Then again, I do have bills to pay. How much of a concession to practicality do I need to make here?
Now, this dating busines... J and I had been on rocky times for a few weeks now. And with me being in Austin, it didn't get any better and we hit a breaking point. I had broken his heart (you don't know how sorry I am, J), and, to me, that's unforgivable. I've had my heart broken many times and know how it feels, and it's one of the worst things you can do to someone. Especially someone with a big heart--leaves them more vulnerable. In the last few days, I've realized how much I've changed since April. It's like some big switch inside me has turned off and, now, it's harder to believe, to trust, and to love. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. And it's not just the last relationship I was in (altough that did some major damage), but the move, my split with my ex of three years, job frustrations, self-disappointment--everything. I've been blown out of the water. My entire's 20's have been turnbulent, but the last eight months... Whew. I've been barely holdin' on. Now it seems like there's nothing I can hold on to 'cause the scene is constantly shifting. I don't trust in anything anymore. All my foundations are gone and I'm terrified. Anyhow, because of all this, I've caused someone pain. But J and I have decided to take it back to day one. We were honest with each other and talked about what changed and when and what we both wanted and expected. Just a day at a time now. It still scares me, but all one can do is try, I suppose.
And now, location... MY HEART IS IN AUSTIN! It's a little disappointing to see how I've wilted being away from home. I like to think I'm made of stronger stuff than that. But, the more I think about the return to California, the more miserable I become. I feel stronger here, more connected. I've always known Austin was home, but Lord... It's like Samson and his hair. I feel less of myself so far away from here. So, the return to Autin is looming larger in my mind. I don't know if I can be truly hapy in San Diego. And I know happiness is something we make, not something we find (yes, I'm learning to self-actualize), but I can't say anything more than, "Home isn't where you rest your head; home is where your heart is" (thanks for that wake-up call, Johnson.)
All in all, so much to think about. But I feel like I'm inching closer to wherever the hell I'm supposed to be. I've gotta make it happen, whatever it is. And 2006 is the year it will happen. I know it. Good luck to me and to all of you out there.
--Joseph
So, with the return to California quickly approaching (I know, I know, it's still four days away, but I can feel the sand sliding down the hourglass more and more quickly), I've been evaluating things. First, my job. As much as I wanted to get back to the kids, this position I have now is not adding to my life. Actually, it's stressing me the hell out. Hell, I'd probably be happier doing something like waiting tables and getting serious with my writing. I don't want to work social services the rest of my life. But I am afraid of letting go of a job so soon and especially of letting go of that pay. It's a decent paycheck. But am I willing to sell myself for it? Then again, I do have bills to pay. How much of a concession to practicality do I need to make here?
Now, this dating busines... J and I had been on rocky times for a few weeks now. And with me being in Austin, it didn't get any better and we hit a breaking point. I had broken his heart (you don't know how sorry I am, J), and, to me, that's unforgivable. I've had my heart broken many times and know how it feels, and it's one of the worst things you can do to someone. Especially someone with a big heart--leaves them more vulnerable. In the last few days, I've realized how much I've changed since April. It's like some big switch inside me has turned off and, now, it's harder to believe, to trust, and to love. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. And it's not just the last relationship I was in (altough that did some major damage), but the move, my split with my ex of three years, job frustrations, self-disappointment--everything. I've been blown out of the water. My entire's 20's have been turnbulent, but the last eight months... Whew. I've been barely holdin' on. Now it seems like there's nothing I can hold on to 'cause the scene is constantly shifting. I don't trust in anything anymore. All my foundations are gone and I'm terrified. Anyhow, because of all this, I've caused someone pain. But J and I have decided to take it back to day one. We were honest with each other and talked about what changed and when and what we both wanted and expected. Just a day at a time now. It still scares me, but all one can do is try, I suppose.
And now, location... MY HEART IS IN AUSTIN! It's a little disappointing to see how I've wilted being away from home. I like to think I'm made of stronger stuff than that. But, the more I think about the return to California, the more miserable I become. I feel stronger here, more connected. I've always known Austin was home, but Lord... It's like Samson and his hair. I feel less of myself so far away from here. So, the return to Autin is looming larger in my mind. I don't know if I can be truly hapy in San Diego. And I know happiness is something we make, not something we find (yes, I'm learning to self-actualize), but I can't say anything more than, "Home isn't where you rest your head; home is where your heart is" (thanks for that wake-up call, Johnson.)
All in all, so much to think about. But I feel like I'm inching closer to wherever the hell I'm supposed to be. I've gotta make it happen, whatever it is. And 2006 is the year it will happen. I know it. Good luck to me and to all of you out there.
--Joseph
posted by Joseph at 11:00 AM
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