Been Too Damn Long...

Damn, it's been that long, huh? Wow. All the chapters that open and close in three months...

I've seen the big city, and nothing will ever be the same. I flew to New York on the 30th and spent a week in the city. Everyone told me I would love it, but I had no idea. I took to it overnight. I'm no country bumpkin, but for a boy from Texas, this was a big trip. My jaw dropped open when I stepped out the subway station and opened the door onto Times Square. It's as crazy as it looks on TV.

So I will definitely be moving to NY. The thought still terrifies me, going somewhere new on my own, being so far from my family. But, something tells me I have to do it, or else I'd be smothering myself. It would be so easy to go back to Austin and pick up where I left off there. And there'd be nothing wrong with that. Austin is home. I'm most content there. But... There's something I can't miss. I don't know yet what it is, but I have to get out there and see.

And to complete the chapter that's been lingering since my first post, I saw him my second day in NY. I don't know if I've ever been so shocked. I was at the Hudson Pier with a friend, looking out over Jersey. I turned around, and there he was, 10 feet away from me, walking toward my end of the pier. I have to say, I'm proud of myself. Every time I imagined our meeting, I thought I'd fall apart. But I shook his hand, asked how he was doing, gave him a hug (he asked for it), and went on my way.

Now, of course, it hit me afterward. I got to the nearest bar and drank a lot of whiskey. Called everyone I know to tell them about the fiasco. Was agitated the rest of the day. Cried when I got back to my motel room. And hardly slept that night. Then...

I was fine. Since that day, it's like something was flushed out of my system. Finally, I'm able to let go of it, a year later. Granted, I'll always miss what we shared because there's no denying it was amazing. But now I can say that it's come and gone. We had our time together, for everything it's worth, and that time came to a close. It's done. I'm done.

Now, I feel things in me turning back on. There are so many feelings I haven't allowed myself to feel since last fall. It's scary as hell because to feel things means to risk hurting again. But it's also exciting. And on that tip... After being single and closed off for a year (which I very much needed), there is someone again. Now, I haven't forgotten everything I've learned. Never again will I fall in love "overnight." Never again will I hand so much of myself over in such a short time.

But hear me out on this one...

There are people that, for some reason, turn on something inside of you. You can see a picture of this person before meeting him and already know. This isn't love at first sight; it's seeing the possibility of a connection. And that connection is unexplainable.

I have found that connection again. And every day that I'm getting to know him, I'm becoming more comfortable with my feelings again. I'm relearning... the simple things, letting myself go a little bit. I'm open to risk again.

And when we finally kissed... There was no question of the connection. Some kisses are nice. Some kisses are good. And that's all great. But some kisses you feel. And I have not felt a kiss like this in... too damn long.

No, I'm not handing myself over. No, I'm not falling into instant love. But I am opening the door again. I have no clue what's on the other side of it, and it's scary as hell, but changes are about to roar at me, and I'm open to them.

Pray for me and keep doin' what you're doin'.

J