Goodbye to California

Although I've already pronounced this blog over, I had to make a goodbye post. I know I'll miss California one day. I went through a lot there. I grew up a lot there. I will never be the same because of my experiences in California, and for that, I will always be grateful.

The friends I made in California were unexpected and wonderful. I miss all of them, but I know I'll be seeing them in New York when they come visit me! ;)

I don't even know what to say as I close this blog. Although California was rough, it will always hold a certain spot in my heart. I did spent a good chunk of time there and there were plenty of good times to be had, even in the midst of all the struggle. One day, I'll gain perspective on it. And I'm sure it'll be showing up a lot more in my fiction as I sort though it all.

Thank you, California, for opening me up to life. Thank you to the friends I made there for being my saving grace during a difficult sixteen months. I will never forget.

J

Homecoming

So I'm moving back home Tuesday. My California days are nearly over. No offense to the great friends I've made here, but there will be no love lost between me and California. We never clicked. San Diego's great. It has beautiful weather and a fair amount of stuff to do, but it's not for me. Never has been.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I've missed Austin since I left. Although I'm not nearly as homesick as I was when I first got here, I still think about home all the time. Besides, it's been a hell of a year-and-then-some out here. I'm ready to get back and recuperate in Austin.

I still plan to be in New York in early '07. This is just a detour on the way. I'll be back with my parents, socking away as much cash as I can for the big move. New York still calls. Who am I to deny her?

I must say, California hasn't been all doom and gloom. I will miss my friends more than they know. I have met some of my closest friends in just the last year. And Lord knows I wouldn't have made it through the year without them. But this return home was inevitable. I've felt for a while that this chapter is ready to end. I'm tired of being the brother-in-law in the extra room. Tired of being an extra in other people's lives. I'm almost thirty. It's past time for me to get things rolling for myself.

Seems years ago that we pulled into San Diego, and I was waiting so eagerly to see him. Wow... So much has happened since then, no wonder I'm so tired now. And no wonder these white hairs are growing in all over my head. But everything has served its purpose. I'm not going back to Austin the same person I was, and I'm glad. I'm more sure of myself now and more ready for what comes next. I'm still anxious about change, but better suited to deal with it.

I still plan to maintain the blog. In a way, it's served its purpose, too. I started it to record my time in California. But I want it to be more than that now. California's such a small part of my path to wherever the hell I'm supposed to be. There are so many stories to come. I hope to be able to share them.

J

Thoughts on Returning to California

I return to California tomorrow. Most vacations go by quickly. These last two weeks have been some of my fullest and longest in a while. From riding the subway around Manhattan to recovering from hangover last Thursday to getting to know someone new over the last week to making new friends, I'm exhausted!

It's strange sidestepping your normal life for a while, getting out of the grind and stepping into a new routine. It's easy to almost forget what happened before. But I know when I get back to San Diego, it'll almost be like I never left. It's always like that. I'm still figuring out what San Diego has meant. I'm going to be processing "the California years" for a while. Hell, these last two weeks will take some digesting.

Thoughts on returning:

I'll miss the City
I'll miss the fall sunlight in Delaware
I'll miss him
looking forward to seeing my niece
same for my sister
have to look for a job ASAP
I have a long few months ahead of me
I'm excited and terrifed about moving to NY in a few months
readjusting to the 3 hour time change will suck
I'm glad some chapters are closing
I hope others open soon
this trip should give plenty of writing material once it's filtered through
I'm more ready for love now than I was just a few weeks ago
I'm ready to smile again and take on life
I hope he finds room in his wounded heart for me

It hasn't been a perfect trip, Lord knows. But it's been a good one. It was nothing of what I expected. But it was what I needed. Who woulda thunk? Thank you to all the people who made this trip wonderful. I'm never forgetting this one. And it's not quite over yet...

J

Been Too Damn Long...

Damn, it's been that long, huh? Wow. All the chapters that open and close in three months...

I've seen the big city, and nothing will ever be the same. I flew to New York on the 30th and spent a week in the city. Everyone told me I would love it, but I had no idea. I took to it overnight. I'm no country bumpkin, but for a boy from Texas, this was a big trip. My jaw dropped open when I stepped out the subway station and opened the door onto Times Square. It's as crazy as it looks on TV.

So I will definitely be moving to NY. The thought still terrifies me, going somewhere new on my own, being so far from my family. But, something tells me I have to do it, or else I'd be smothering myself. It would be so easy to go back to Austin and pick up where I left off there. And there'd be nothing wrong with that. Austin is home. I'm most content there. But... There's something I can't miss. I don't know yet what it is, but I have to get out there and see.

And to complete the chapter that's been lingering since my first post, I saw him my second day in NY. I don't know if I've ever been so shocked. I was at the Hudson Pier with a friend, looking out over Jersey. I turned around, and there he was, 10 feet away from me, walking toward my end of the pier. I have to say, I'm proud of myself. Every time I imagined our meeting, I thought I'd fall apart. But I shook his hand, asked how he was doing, gave him a hug (he asked for it), and went on my way.

Now, of course, it hit me afterward. I got to the nearest bar and drank a lot of whiskey. Called everyone I know to tell them about the fiasco. Was agitated the rest of the day. Cried when I got back to my motel room. And hardly slept that night. Then...

I was fine. Since that day, it's like something was flushed out of my system. Finally, I'm able to let go of it, a year later. Granted, I'll always miss what we shared because there's no denying it was amazing. But now I can say that it's come and gone. We had our time together, for everything it's worth, and that time came to a close. It's done. I'm done.

Now, I feel things in me turning back on. There are so many feelings I haven't allowed myself to feel since last fall. It's scary as hell because to feel things means to risk hurting again. But it's also exciting. And on that tip... After being single and closed off for a year (which I very much needed), there is someone again. Now, I haven't forgotten everything I've learned. Never again will I fall in love "overnight." Never again will I hand so much of myself over in such a short time.

But hear me out on this one...

There are people that, for some reason, turn on something inside of you. You can see a picture of this person before meeting him and already know. This isn't love at first sight; it's seeing the possibility of a connection. And that connection is unexplainable.

I have found that connection again. And every day that I'm getting to know him, I'm becoming more comfortable with my feelings again. I'm relearning... the simple things, letting myself go a little bit. I'm open to risk again.

And when we finally kissed... There was no question of the connection. Some kisses are nice. Some kisses are good. And that's all great. But some kisses you feel. And I have not felt a kiss like this in... too damn long.

No, I'm not handing myself over. No, I'm not falling into instant love. But I am opening the door again. I have no clue what's on the other side of it, and it's scary as hell, but changes are about to roar at me, and I'm open to them.

Pray for me and keep doin' what you're doin'.

J

Settling Down (For Now)

And finally, I feel like I've settled into my routine. I'm back at work in earnest on the book (with the occasional poem here and there), have a great crew behind me, and am comfortable with being om my own (for the first time in years).

Of course, now that I'm comfortable, change is just around the corner. But, this time, I'm not dreading it. New York is looming on my mind...

More to come. :)

Love to All,
J

Fear and Anticipation

Another dual list: fears and anticipations...

I fear:
that I'll never be 100% after the last disappointment
ending up alone
putting bad writing out in the world
losing loved ones
death
mediocrity
being rejected
spending years away from home
not getting into grad school
living alone

Anticipations:
next Christmas with the family
my publishing contract
seeing my first book on the shelves
seeing Europe
meeting and living with "the one"
having my own home
setting my parents up for the rest of their lives
making a living as a writer and not having to work another 9 to 5
the next Anne Rice novel
the next Ana Menendez novel
my next good greasy cheeseburger

The anticipations were a lot more fun... :)

And Here She Comes...

My baby cousin graduates tomorrow! (Can I still call her my baby cousin when she's 18? heheh) I'm so proud of her. Watch out world, she's coming for you... :D