Blogging, Confusion, and a Little Hope
First, a huge thanks to Shinta for the shoutout in her blog. Thanks! :) If my rantings help someone else rant as well, then my day is a little better.
I'm enjoying this blog business. What I'm starting to notice is the building of a small (dare I say?) blog community. You run into a blog you can relate to, read the blogs that the blogger reads, leave comments here and there, those people read your blog and leave comments, and you have a little network going. I like :) Makes me feel a little less hopeless about things in general.
Reading Shinta's "When Harry Almost Met Sally" post got me thinking about things. I've never been one to be friends with my exes. One, I become a bitter brown at the end of a relationship; two, I'm not the type who's able to put all the emotional issues behind me with the wave of a magical Kleenex and move on as healthy people should. BUT, it seems that I'm at that crossroads now with my ex(?).
We hadn't spoken to each other all week. After talking every single day for over three months, that was a painful stretch. And I have the classic symptoms: appetite coming and going, having to sleep with the TV on (When I do sleep), and I'm sure plenty more white hairs that I'll find next time I get a haircut. I've been waking up well before my alarm, and if I'm lucky, I'll get back to sleep. It's about 50/50 odds. I ended up waking up twenty minutes before the alarm, so there was no bother trying to fall back asleep.
And, you now those feeling you get, that you have to do something, and if you don't, you know it'll bug you the rest of the day? Yeah, that feeling. I got it as soon as I sat up in bed. Something was telling me to check my e-mail. And I've learned to not ignore that little persistent voice.
So, I open the laptop, telling myself I don't have any e-mail because even if Mr. Man were to e-mail some day, he has no time before work to do it.
Sure enough, my little G-Mail mail icon highlights itself in blue and there's his name. So, I get on AOL IM, and, voila, he's online. We chat and of course it doesn't follow the fantasy chat I have in my head, but the bottom line is we have the chance to still be friends, salvage something of this relationship.
This is where it gets complicated. Lord knows I care for this boy with everything I've got, and I have to admit, I don't want to lose him altogether. So, I have that little angel sitting on one shoulder. And on the opposite one, I think about everything I've been through the past two weeks and how angry that makes me and how I can't just turn off the things I feel in favor of a friendship and I'm afraid I'll always want more and I don't want to set myself up for more disappointment.
So I take all this and think to myself, "Well, there's your answer." And then that first little angel, who's been waiting patiently all along, looks at me, unphased, and says calmly (and with a little bit of a smartass smirk on his face), "But you don't want to lose him altogether."
Fun stuff, I tell you. Plenty more to tell the therapist this afternoon. I'm still as confused and as tired as ever, just with a little bit of hope thrown in now. And that scares me to, because hope always comes packaged with the potential for disappointment. I just hope I don't have to open that package anymore.
--Joseph
I'm enjoying this blog business. What I'm starting to notice is the building of a small (dare I say?) blog community. You run into a blog you can relate to, read the blogs that the blogger reads, leave comments here and there, those people read your blog and leave comments, and you have a little network going. I like :) Makes me feel a little less hopeless about things in general.
Reading Shinta's "When Harry Almost Met Sally" post got me thinking about things. I've never been one to be friends with my exes. One, I become a bitter brown at the end of a relationship; two, I'm not the type who's able to put all the emotional issues behind me with the wave of a magical Kleenex and move on as healthy people should. BUT, it seems that I'm at that crossroads now with my ex(?).
We hadn't spoken to each other all week. After talking every single day for over three months, that was a painful stretch. And I have the classic symptoms: appetite coming and going, having to sleep with the TV on (When I do sleep), and I'm sure plenty more white hairs that I'll find next time I get a haircut. I've been waking up well before my alarm, and if I'm lucky, I'll get back to sleep. It's about 50/50 odds. I ended up waking up twenty minutes before the alarm, so there was no bother trying to fall back asleep.
And, you now those feeling you get, that you have to do something, and if you don't, you know it'll bug you the rest of the day? Yeah, that feeling. I got it as soon as I sat up in bed. Something was telling me to check my e-mail. And I've learned to not ignore that little persistent voice.
So, I open the laptop, telling myself I don't have any e-mail because even if Mr. Man were to e-mail some day, he has no time before work to do it.
Sure enough, my little G-Mail mail icon highlights itself in blue and there's his name. So, I get on AOL IM, and, voila, he's online. We chat and of course it doesn't follow the fantasy chat I have in my head, but the bottom line is we have the chance to still be friends, salvage something of this relationship.
This is where it gets complicated. Lord knows I care for this boy with everything I've got, and I have to admit, I don't want to lose him altogether. So, I have that little angel sitting on one shoulder. And on the opposite one, I think about everything I've been through the past two weeks and how angry that makes me and how I can't just turn off the things I feel in favor of a friendship and I'm afraid I'll always want more and I don't want to set myself up for more disappointment.
So I take all this and think to myself, "Well, there's your answer." And then that first little angel, who's been waiting patiently all along, looks at me, unphased, and says calmly (and with a little bit of a smartass smirk on his face), "But you don't want to lose him altogether."
Fun stuff, I tell you. Plenty more to tell the therapist this afternoon. I'm still as confused and as tired as ever, just with a little bit of hope thrown in now. And that scares me to, because hope always comes packaged with the potential for disappointment. I just hope I don't have to open that package anymore.
--Joseph
posted by Joseph at 11:31 AM
2 Comments:
I like your heart.
Have you read "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rilke?
Blogging makes me feel less hopeless, too.
Hope is a hard thing to control, isn't it? I'm still confused about the whole friendship thing. For me, "moving on" usually happens after two years or more.
I need therapy, too.
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