Instant Regression

I had a dream about him and can't get back to sleep, despite the fact that I'm so tired that my eyes sting. I dreamed that I called him and he came back, partly out of worry from hearing how I sounded and partly because he missed me. When he came back, we reunited and everything was as it should be--for a time. I grabbed his face and pulled it toward mine, just looked into his eyes. We talked, we kissed, every time we sat down near each other, he put my feet up on his lap, we laughed. I know this is all pathetic and I'll probably read this in the morning and think hat the hell am I doing, typing this and giving in to it. But, damn, it was one of those involved, detailed dreams that seems to last for hours. And in the dream, he left to do something and promised things were the way they should be again, that he would be right back. And, in the way dreams have gone lately, he disappeared again and the rest of the dream was spent with me frantically trying to find him again.

After all this time, after all the progress, one dream brings it all back, and here I am again, in front of the TV, ridiculously exhausted, unable to sleep. It has been five months. Why is he still so present? Why can't I just get over it the same way he obviously has? "Tell me now/ Why you're so far away/ When I'm still so close."

So, for the first time in a long time, I signed on to AIM, hoping that he'd be online and see me there (I got rid of his screen name long ago). That is how pathetic I am. Still praying for the miraculous reuniting of lovers, even when I know beyond doubt it will never happen.

It still hurts like hell. I still wonder if I will ever love that completely and intensely again. When will I be myself again?