My First Blogmeet

So, I finally got to meet the happy couple, Will and Maria, and to use Maria's words, it was fuckin' brilliant. :)

They came by Chicano Perk Wednesday night and caught the tail end of my reading. And, if you read Will's comment on my last post, it happened just like that. Will introduced himself and pointed out Maria, and my dense self didn't click for a few seconds, but once I did, I flew out of my chair and almost knocked Maria over! Sorry, Maria. :p We had some great conversation and they got to meet J and my sister. My brother-in-law was at home with the baby. How's that for a good arrangement?

Let me tell you, they look as happy in person as they sound on Infinity. It was wonderful seeing them together. So love really does happen these days. It's refreshing to know that.

Speaking of Chicano Perk, my feature spot is Wednesday night. I'm getting more anxious all the time. But I've written a good chunk over the last few days and have been going over them, working on my delivery. I have a few more to write and then I'm going to work in some stuff by other writers that I want to use and try to put it all together. We'll see how it goes...

As for J, we're hitting some bumps. I'm realizing how much I have yet to deal with from things that have happened before (and not just with him; that's just the tip of the iceberg). And I can tell J's patience is starting to run low, but at the same time, I can't pretend to be ready for anything that I'm not ready for. I just hope that time, honesty, and prayer will clear things up, however it plays out.

What else, what else... That's really all that's going on now. The poetry thing is taking up a large part of my mind, and will continue to do so until it's all over and done with Wednesday night. Oh! We're baptizing my niece (FINALLY) the first Sunday in December. And y'all know who the godfather is. :D Definitely looking forward to that...

Until next time, all, keep your heads up. Thanks for the unceasing encouragement. I hope to have a functioning computer again soon...

Much Love,
Joseph

Back For a Short Time

Hello All,

I missed all of you!! My laptop is out of commission and since I no longer work with my former company, I have no daily computer access. :( But I have been frantically trying to catch up with everyone.

I have to say, Will and Maria, I am happier for you than I can say. You have made it through the days, and that in itself is reason for celebration. You must, MUST come to SD SOON.

Shinta, we're here for you. Use that damned phone number I gave you! :p

Sean, I'm so proud of your writing progress. I will be so disciplined myself some day... And Dennis, damn! Keep those words coming! Unfortunately, my novel hasn't come along. But, I did give the boy a chance and it's coming along. :)

As for me, J and I are still seeing each other frequently. We have hit some bumps. Unforunately, they're my bumps as I'm realizing just how much I had been shoving aside and numbing my pain. Now I get to deal with it and it's not always fun. But J is still here, holding me when I need it. Neither of us are making promises, but making it a day at a time. This boy is amazing, lemme tell you. The things he's been through and he still manages to love...

In other news, my feature poet spot fast approaches. Am I ready? Hell, no. But I don't start the new job till the 28th, so I still have some time. Did I ever mention I'm a procrastinator? If anyone would like to come support your local poet, it'll be at 7:30 at Chicano Perk on the 30th. You can find my bio at http://www.chicanoperk.com/events.html. :D

That's all the major points. I hope all is well with everyone. So good to be back, even if only for a moment. I'll keep in touch. Until next time, MUCH MUCH love!

--Joseph

Sweatin' to the Oldies

Hello All,

So much to say and not enough time. It promises to be an interesting day at work, but I have SO much to share. Suffice it for now to say that it seems the change has finally come, or so I hope... Joseph's upturn might be beginning. Who woulda thunk?

Anyhow, more on everything later. I had to say a hello and wonderful Thursday to all. I hope everyone's feeling their spunk this morning and that it leads into a GREAT weekend.

Damn, I must be in a good mood. I sound like freakin' Richard Simmons...

--Joseph

Waking Up?

So, it's been four days since I first hung out with J. You know, the subject of my second-to-last post (no, not the one where I bitch about my laptop).

Wow. I have been impressed. But, at the same time, I am scared. All kinds of alarms are going off inside my head. I have been hurt way too many times before. And the last one has brought me lower than I've ever been.

In all honesty, my time with J has been wonderful. We've hung out every night since that first dinner on Friday. He has been a gentleman and has listened and understood and wants to stand by me while I go through the Change and Healing process. And Lord knows that's all I want--just someone to stand with me, not try to fix me or make me believe everything that comes out of his mouth. And J seems to be that person, someone who genuinely wants to be there. That simple.

But there are times still--a lot of them--when I see his eyes and it takes me back to him. I see those eyes that first drew me five months ago (damn! already, huh?) and I remember how every kiss felt and how his hands felt and I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that comfortable with someone again. At the risk of sounding like a whining child, he was supposed to be the one that stuck, the one that finally owned up to everything he said. And in the end, it was an illusion. And that is the hardest thing to accept. I was lifted so high. And he let me fall, and didn't even stay around long enough to see how I landed.

Your toy balloon has sailed in the sky
But now it must fall to the ground
Now your sadness revealed
Just how badly you feel
There is no easy way down

The view from the cliffs
Must've been exciting
And up to the peaks
You were bound
Now you're stranded alone
And the past is unknown
And there is no easy way down

No, it isn't very easy
When you find yourself out on your own
No, it isn't very easy
When each road you take
Is one more mistake
There's no one to break your fall
And lead you back home

We all like to climb
To the heights
Where our fantasy world can be found
But you must know in the end
When it's time to descend
There is no easy way down

There is no easy way down

Norah was able to say it better than me.

And now someone else wants to be there. And Lord knows I want someone there. And I don't want to make a new person pay for old mistakes, but it's so hard to believe anymore. I'm trying. J has made me feel more at peace than I had in weeks. I feel more wanted than I have in weeks--weeks of feeling the coldness of being alone, and starting to believe that that was all I had to look forward to. Now this... I am grateful; don't get me wrong. Just fighting my jadedness. Trying to take these baby steps and let someone take them with me.

It's hard.

--Joseph

Hell Hath No Fury...

Never, NEVER, buy a Toshiba laptop!

A Refreshing Change

So I went to dinner with someone new tonight, and damn it all if we didn't click. So there really are more than one man out there who can carry an intelligent, interesting conversation. It was refreshing to have someone to talk to who was vibin with me. And it didn't hurt that he liked my music. :p

All in all, a very nice night. Lord knows I'm not looking for anything in particular, but good company is always a welcome thing.

G'nite, all.

--Joseph

And Now, Another Friday...

Friday... So, what to update with...

Still thinking about him. Every day. All the time. Nothing new there.

I'm not making the progress I would like on the novel. I've gotten enough words out to where I'm impressing myself because I'm normally such a slow writer, but I am WAY behind where I need to be for NaNoWriMo. Just have to keep writing...

This is my second-to-last week with my current company. NOW I'm starting to get scared. Even though my heart's not in this job, I have grown comfortable sitting behind my desk every day, knowing what to expect (for the most part), and, most importantly, having benefits. Gonna have to suspend the therapist visits for a while. BUT, I keep telling myself, there's a reason I went job-hunting in the first place. This one just wasn't doing it for me. So, I'm gonna keep moving forward with this, despite those jitters.

Speaking of jitters, I had a cup of coffee this morning on an empty stomach and am feeling more crazy than usual. Shaky hands and all. See, I should've never given up coffee in the first place. My body would be better equipped to handle that daily poison called caffeine. This is what I get for trying to be healthy...

Other than that, we've all survived another week. Hallelujah. Can I get a Hallelujah in here?

One concern, though: Shinta, where are you! I'm worried that there hasn't been a post in a week. Let us know you're still out there!!

Will and Maria, the day draws ever closer. I'm so excited for both of you.

Dennis, damn, now THAT is a word count! Keep writing and I'll try to catch up.

Take care, all, and do at least one fun, irresponsible thing this weekend.

--Joseph