"Statement"

STATEMENT

To all men
who are real men:
I need a man
to console me,
to love me,
to love me
d
o
w
n.
But not just any man—
Let me tell you what I like:
big-framed, broad-shouldered,
strong-armed,
and a little thick;
strong hands on those big arms
to grab and hold me
with a tenderness
that belies his size.
I need him to hold me
to spite the darkness,
dispel my fears,
obliterate pain.
I want him to make love to me—
love that blinds me,
consumes me,
so I am nothing more
than sounds
and sensation.
I want to engorge on our lust,
then rest in our love,
fulfilled, content, and exhausted.
And, when I awake in silent hours,
I want him near,
simple and solid.

I want a man who has some rhythm—
a beat
to his speech
and his steps.
with some spice
in his life
and some hips
that can move
to any kind of groove,
especially a love groove.

I want a man who wants me
in
every
single
way,
who tells me constantly,
“Papi, you got it going on,
from your eyes to your thighs,
your lips to your hips.
I can’t get enough.
I need you now
and always.”

I want a man who loves art,
who’s amazed by Rembrandt,
who can put words together
in unknown ways,
but is blue-collar and plain,
and speaks of plain things
with an honesty
that’s all him.

And above all,
I want a man
who is refuge from the world,
on whose shoulder I can rest my head,
a chest where I can lay my hand
to feel all that’s beneath,
all that’s there for me—
my familiar territory
and safety.

I told ME So

Well, let the "I told you so's" begin.

Wait, what's this embedded on my cheek? Oh, that would be gravel from falling on my face again.

And people wonder why I'm bitter...

The Most Dangerous Plunge of All...

I like him, y'all. And he likes me. It's dangerous, but it's great. Here's to hoping, cuz I'm going for it. Hopefully, you won't have to tell me, "I told you so."

The Answer, My Dear Miranda, is Faith

It's as simple as faith, isn't it? Oh, the things I think of as I iron... He deserves a chance. Lord knows he's earning it, making me smile like a school boy, even in the middle of a long work day. Even if it's blind faith, it's what keeps us going. And, besides, I like the boy. :)

I'm falling. Here's to hoping he catches me...

I Feel You, Miranda

As Miranda says to Carrie: "I am so fucked up!"

The more I talk to this person and the more I get to liking him, the more my paranoia grows. It's like a constriction in my throat, like I'm allergic to feelings. I've managed to not feel much for the past six months. I don't know why or how, but this one has managed to change that.

It's the intensity I'm afraid of. I don't just feel; I feel a lot. Once I take a shining to someone, I go from zero to hopeless pretty damn quickly. And I can feel the panic setting in.

Now, he's a lot calmer, which is definitely a plus because Lord knows I need someone to balance out my neurotic self. But, it's also frustrating as hell because it makes me feel even more neurotic and paranoid. He says he's not here to hurt me. And I know it's a sin to make others pay for the sins they themselves didn't commit. But, haven't I been down this road before?

"I am so fucked up!"

The more I like, the more I fear. Our first rendezvous is in the works. I'm worried about how hopeless I'll be after spending time with him. It's a deep, deep plunge, and I'm afraid I won't be able to breathe.

Heading Into Monday...

The conference was great on Saturday. BIG props to Queta and the Achistas for putting it all together and keeping it running. And thanks for having me as part of it. The workshop went well. I had 8 kids and one girl came up with some REALLY good stuff. I was impressed.

I was even more nervous about the reading. I'm used to the small crowd at Chicano Perk. This was an actual stage and a removable mic--the works. But the audience was great and the girls gave me love while I was up there, so it was all good. AND Queta's sister asked me to wite a poem for her fifth graders' graduation ceremony in June. My first commission. :) I just might be making a name for myself out here in California...

Things continue to go well between myself and this new person. Still don't want to jinx anything. Want to give it room to go wherever it's gonna go. But so far, so good. Getting to know more about each other, and I'm liking it. Hopefully, we'll have the opportunity to meet soon.

Other than that, getting ready for another workweek. Not looking forward to it, but I'm fine once I get there and get working. It's the getting there that's hard.

But today has been a LAZY day. Lord knows those are always good. Especially before heading back to work on Monday. I hope everyone had a good, relaxing weekend and that your week starts well.

--Joseph

50th Post (Thanks for Sticking By)

My 50th post... Who woulda thunk? Time to reflect, I guess. But I don't feel like it... Time to look forward. I've had enough of looking back.

For Lent, I'm trying to let go of the past, let go of bitterness, and TRY to forgive. It's not my best skill, but I'm going to work on it. Time to put the past where it belongs. And speaking of...

I won't say too much about this because I want to not jinx things and because I'm still on very unsure footing with romance and such, but I've met someone new and it's exciting. Feeling things I haven't felt in a good while, which scares the hell outta me, but, like I said, trying to leave the past in the past. That's all I'll say about that for now. Hopefully there will be more to say in the future. But I'm not counting any eggs until they're well-hatched. I've been burned more than enough times by now.

So I finally met Shinta! Yay! She came with my partner in crime and I to Chicano Perk last Wenesday. It was great to just sit and talk and for her to see me in action at the open mic. We need to do that again SOON, Shinta. It was too much fun. Of course, we missed y'all, Will and Maria, but one of these days, we WILL get into trouble together. :)

I can't believe it's 50 posts already. Granted, it would be a lot more if I hadn't been slacking so much. Just seems to take more effort these days to post. Hopefully, that'll change soon. I miss my bloggers!

What else, what else... Well, the poetry workshop and reading loom tomorrow morning. Of course, I'm still not prepared because I'm a PROCRASTINATOR, but I'll be ready for it. Hopefully. Still nervous as hell, but just a matter of doing it.And it'll look good on the writing resume. Pray for me, y'all; I'm gonna need it.

Overall, things have been good. I've managed to keep busy, work is OK, I'm getting out of the house more. Not much room for complaint--finally. Let's hope this upturn continues. Lord knows I need it.

Until the next time, keep at it, everyone--whatever IT happens to be. I'm looking forward to meeting more of you one day. Thanks for all the support.

--Joseph