Turning a Corner?

I had a mini-revelation while out picking up a Sex and the City DVD this afternoon:

I don't want to be bitter anymore.

I want to believe that good things will happen. I want to believe that the right one will come along. I want to believe in good things in general. It's hard to do, but I gotta believe it'll get better or else I'll go crazy.

It's a process, but here's to not being such a bitter brown anymore. Well, at least not so bitter. Y'all know me better than that...

Bitter Brown Love,

--Joseph

Warning Signs

Am I depressed again? I feel it coming on. This "slump" I've been in isn't lifting, and I was sleeping on the couch again last night. Had a dream I couldn't get back to sleep from. Not promising signs...

Late night Phone Calls

I called in. Left a message on my supervisor's voice mail. Feel pretty damn shitty about it, but what can one do. There's no way I can make it at my desk all day feeling like this and on about two hours of sleep. I'll take a day to rest and (hopefully) write. So now I can stay up and read for a while and not worry about getting up at 6:30 while my stomach bubbles and burns. I'd much rather be at work than feeling like this.

Late Night Confession

I've had to admit to myself (the hardest person to admit things to)... I still miss him. Lord knows I've put on a brave face for the last few months. And, granted, I've come a long, long way since September. But, there's still a twinge in the middle of my chest every once in a while. I know, I know, we can't put a time limit on these kinda things. But, in the meantime, it sucks.

And why do I torture myself? I've looked up his online profile several times in the last few months. And, yes, he still looks good. Still the boy I was with a few months ago. *sigh* Still waiting for it to go away...

Late Night Stomach Ache

OK. I overdid it this time. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a big heifer and, given half the chance, I'll eat and drink myself silly (see the top of my "likes" list). Well, since it was Easter, my sister and I decided we were gonna do it up. So we went to a champagne brunch after church at this little Mexican restaurant by the apartment. And that was some good Mexican breakfast, lemme tell you. And the champagne didn't hurt at all. As soon as I finished a glass, here came a waiter: "More champagne?" Who am I to say no?

Then I come home and make some cape cods for us. How many did I drink? Good question. By the time my sister started cooking, I had more than a buuz going on. She made pork tenderloin, which was basically two big, long chunks of meat that take marinades really well. My sister had three slices of one. I ate the rest of it. The whole thing, except for one small slice I couldn't manage to force myself to eat. Then, more cape cods.

Then, my friend comes by and we go to El Torito, where I proceed to have a vodka and Sprite. Now, mind you, I didn't feel anything but full and happy.

Then, God decided to punish me. Gluttony--a bad, bad thing.

I went to sleep a little after 12. Not two hours later, I wake up with a big ball of... how to describe... terrible, horrible, well-deserved DISCOMFORT in my stomach. It wasn't a stomachache, wasn't nausea. I've neverhad heartburn, but, the way this feels, I think I may have my first case. Except it's really BAD. I feel like I'm about to burst open. I haven't tested my stomach's limits like this in a good while. And for an eater like me to say that is something...

On a side note, the guy on Ham on the Street on Food Network is really cute and I can't put my finger on why...

And since I'm already complaining... I can NOT for the life of me get a hold of this album by Cherokee called Soul Parade. Seems when she was recording the album, she was in the middle of switching labels and the music got lost in the shuffle. Now, when I was with my ex, he burned me all kinds of CD's. This was one of them. A fell in LOVE with it. This girl has a lot to say and has some hot tracks to say it on. Unfortunately, I played it non-stop while my ex and I were together, so the music got all wrapped up in my head with that time, so i didn't hesitate to give the CD back to him when we split.

I regret it now.

You can not get this CD ANYWHERE. Trust me, I have tried and tried. Even my online resources are failing me. I've managed to get my hands on a few tracks, which is a good thing (and, Lord, do they take me back), but still can't find my two favorites: "Lips" and "Crazy." So, if anyone knows a way to get hold of the album or these songs, please, please, let me know.

So it's past 3:30 in the morning now and I'm supposed to be up for work in 3 hours. Something tells me I'm not going to make it in. I HATE calling in to work. I always feel like a bum when I do. And I'm sure my boss isn't crazy aobut it, either. On one hand, that's what sick days are for, right? On the other, I hardly ever call in to work, and I've called in 3 times already at this job. And I haven't been there three months yet! I don't want my bosses thinking I'm one of those who plays hooky every chance I get. I really mean to go in, especially as busy as we are. My health just has not been cooperating the past couple of months. But I just might have to call in today. I'm not one who can function on no sleep. Never been able to.

Damn, I hate calling in. Feel like I'm lying, even when I'm not.

Oh well, if I do call in, that's more time to write. Now, will I use that time? Good question...

Love/Hate

OK, so Sean did this before me, but it looked like fun...

I DON'T LIKE:
boring weekends
having crazy looking eyebrows
waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back asleep
the first couple of minutes after the alarm goes off as I fight myself awake
when my coffee goes cold
allergies and sinus problems
blowing my nose so much it gets chapped and stings
flaky people
not having many friends in San Diego
most of the hip-hop that's out now
idiots
running out of tissue
how expensive everything is here
being away from home
being single
eye boogers, especially the stubborn ones in the corners
having to pee in the middle of the night
unfulfilled cravings (I get cravings like a pregnant woman)
badly written books, no matter how interesting the story
looking at my unmade bed and not wanting to make it

I LOVE
good food and drinks
good conversation
good lovin' (those are the big 3)
a good, solid man (see "Statement")
music (can't do anything without music)
my family
my baby niece (can't believe she's 2 already)
t-shirts, caps, and jeans
casual Fridays at work
Snoopy
Austin
a good coffee shop
my friends
pastries
chocolate (I have a huge sweet tooth)
my resilience
drawn-out sunsets--when the sky hits that deep blue, almost purple
good books
good writers (much love for Anne Rice and Ana Menendez)
having a few drinks and being able to dance to almost anything
seeing my family back home
drinnking with my aunt Linda
lying down in bed when I'm exhausted and finding that perfect, comfortable position
knowing on the weekends when I go to bed that I can wake up when I want to
writing
knowing that I'll make a living writing one day
finding the perfect way to describe something when I'm writing
the feeling of ease I get in church
Sex and the City
a good movie
finding unexpected connections with people

That was fun...

"Unnatural"

It’s that it felt so natural!
There was no effort,
no trying to make us fit.
You fit me
like we were meant to be,
like when a mouth opens to breathe,
it happened that naturally.
My smile came with ease
as long as you were near me.

My stiff persona
softened and fell
and all that I hid came spilling out
like small diamonds.
No need to guard
anything
as you saw me silly and giddy
(such a relief
to finally release).

Even our bodies,
one with the other,
coincided so that
where one left off,
the other began,
so that
to separate them
was unthinkable.

That’s why it stays with me
after a matter of months—
a long string of days
where you come and go from me
in the vapors of memory.
It had all come so naturally…
I still can’t believe
you’ve left no reprieve
from being alone,
without you.

Still Writing

I can't say how good it is to be writing again, to put what's been going on into fiction. I went back to an old story that I'd been having problems with for years. Seems I needed more experience under my belt before I could give it justice. It's filling out now, flowing the way the writing used to flow, before life became too intense for fiction. I'm handwriting it. Can't seem to sit at the computer and get it out the way I want it to. It's slow going, but it's coming.

Fictionalizing experience makes it easier to digest, easier to get at the heart of things and feeling all the emotion that comes with it without going crazy. This is what I needed, to get back to what I'm made to do. Funny how we fight the things that bring us the most fulfillment.

I Wrote!

FINALLY, I sat my ass down and wrote for an hour. I know, I know, it's not monumental, but it had been so long since I had actually sat down and got to work. Lord, it feels good. I probably put out a bunch of drivel, but I managed four pages in an hour, which is unheard of for me. Now, here is where I should be putting my energy. Men be damned. I got a book to write.

On a related note, me thinks my poetry days are coming to a close. It served its purpose. Time to get back to my fiction, where my heart lies. Back to my characters. Enough of writing about me and my misadventures in California. It's time to make some shit up again.

Here's to more productive nights (days, even) and to getting back on track.

--Joseph