Yet Another Monday...

So I'm here at the office, waiting out the last (and longest) hour of the day, listening to Shakira. This time change has me thrown off, makes the day seem longer. It should be after five already! Anyhow...

Bad news on the homefront: there have been sad, sad developments in my situation with him. Funny, you think someone's kicked you down and they still find ways to kick you even more, right in the temple, with the tip of their boot, to make it hurt as much as possible. When you think you're making progress, something happens and you feel just as shitty as you ever felt. So, it was another nearly-sleepless night, convincing myself that I'd be all right. Life is not fun right now...

Although, I am looking forward to going trick-or-treating with my niece tonight. She is just too damned cute in her Elmo costume. I love it!

In other news, I've signed myself up for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), which means I, along with thousands of other insane people around the world, am going to try and write 50,000 words of a novel by the end of November, starting midnight of November 1st. Thanks to Dennis for the swift kick in the ass to get motivated to do this. Will I be writing at midnight? Hell, no. But I do plan to stick to the word goal. That's a hell of a lot of writing, but it'll be good for me, in more ways than one. Wish me luck...

I hope everyone's week has started well. Shinta and Maria: Shakira, one day soon. The three (four? Will? :) ) of us having a few drinks and listening to Colombian inspiration. :D

A Reprieve

Shakira's new video, "Don't Bother," has been released on Yahoo! Music. Damn, why can't every day be a Shakira release day?

blah

Bad mood today. Tired. Bored. Don't want to be at work. Can't shake this cough. Can't stop clearing my throat. I want to lie down. I want to stop feeling lonely. I want friends here in San Diego. I want Christmas to hurry up and come so I can spend two weeks at home. I want to have plans on a Friday night. I want to be able to hear my favorite songs without thinking about him.

Finally, a "Me" Day

So I took a day off from work today. I don't know if my allergies are kickin my ass or if I'm coming down with a sinus infection, but I've been struggling to get out of bed every day this week and just couldn't do it today. But, other than hacking out a lung, the day off was great. It's good to carve a little time out of the week for myself. And it breaks my week into two smaller weeks, which is always a good thing.

I finally gave in and bought myself an iPod last weekend. Anyone who knows me knows my little bitter heart has been set on one for the longest time. We went to Fashion Valley Sunday and I felt like treating myself, so I took some cash I had been saving and told myself I'd either make one big purchase or jsut go on one big, fun spending spree. So, I made my big purchase :) A little theuraputic purchase never hurt anyone...

Unfortunately, I'll be missing my open mic at Chicano Perk tonight. It's my sister's birthday, so I get to babysit while my brother-in-law takes her out for a fancy dinner. Fun stuff...

Other than that, life goes on. Yet another day down. Can't wait for Christmas and two weeks back home.

Did I mention that I'm deliriously tired?

--Joseph

Learning

I've reached a quiet stage in this huge, long process called Change. The hurt's still there, but it's in a more minor key now. I've learned to accept it as the low humming that it is, and that it will continue to be for some time. But, that's the thing. I'm learning to accept it, rather than fight it and berate myself for feeling it. I'm learning to give myself credit for the small things I do every day. Even when at my lowest, I continued to come to work, to do a good enough job that my boss daily tells me how grateful she is, to be a caring uncle for my niece, to share myself with people at weekly open mics. That, in itself, is cause not for celebration, but for a quiet smile and nod. Too long, I've been hard on myself, telling myself I shouldn't be feeling things, that I shouldn't be so weak, that I should respond to events the same way people around me do. But I'm finally learning to take care of Me, to let myself feel what I need to and to guard myself from the opinions (even well-meaning ones) of others.

There's still a lot to learn. I need to set my boundaries more firmly, learn how to be less dependent on every one around me, but that will come in time. I can allow myself that time now. I'm finally learning patience.

Like I've said before: growing up at 27. It's a crazy thing, but I'll take it now rather than later.

Now, enough contemplation... I've found an old friend that I met about four years ago, but had lost touch with for a long time. Last night, he sent me some pictures I had sent him back in '01, from my party days. Whew! It was good to see those pictures. :) The first thing I thought was, I look so happy. I had such a good time in those days. It's always good to see things like that to remind us of where we once were and where we can be, if we just give ourselves the time and allowance to get there.

Anyhow, I'm meeting this friend next month and am very excited. We've known each other for years and have never met. It should be great. And we'll get the chance to catch up. I hope he las a lot of time on his hands...

Hope all is well with y'all and I'll get back soon.

--Joseph

Wonders Never Cease

Even in the darkest times, people still make connections. I've met several new people online and have had some of the best conversations. It always amazes me how connections can be made so unexpectedly, and especially when we need them the most. I'm a firm believer that nothing happens by accident. If someone comes into our lives and gives a little perspective into what we're dealing with, it's because we needed that insight. My friends have provided me with invaluable perspective and wonderful, generous ears to let me vent and whine.

So I met someone through my blog, which prompted me to go back and read it through the beginning. Wow. So much can happen in such a short time. I already feel like a storm has come through and whipped through my life, rearranging everything. And I'm talking after the move. Lord knows the move was change enough. I'm in completely different circumstances from when I first got here. And the... I don't know... The feeling of things has changed. I've been feeling a lot more raw and have been forced to look at life through different lenses. I'm tripping up trying to describe this; bear with me. It's a perspective shift. I see everything differently now. It's a damaged perspective, a tired one.

Anyhow, I'm grateful for the help that comes my way in the form of connections I have with people and the new ones I'm creating. I've made it through days that have become weeks. Soon enough, they will become months and I will be on the other side of this. Until then, thank God and thank all of you who have lent support.

A change is gonna come... :)

--Joseph

States

In response to Shinta's list, here are the states I've visited. Mind you, I haven't been much of a traveler. Hopefully, that'll change. Also, I didn't count states that I've just driven through.

1. Texas
2. California
3. Tennessee
4. Louisiana
5. Virginia
6. Florida
7.Nevada
8.Colorado
9.Wyoming

Well, Sort of Back...

Some days are better than others. Hell, some moments are better than others. And I take the good moments whenever I can, because they're fleeting. In the not-so-good moments, I don't have the energy to sit down and write anything, with the exception of really sad poetry. At least I'm writing, even if I haven't worked on my book since before I left Austin.

Job update: I had my second interview for the job I interviewed for last week. It was great. I got to work with a group of kids for about thirty minutes and it was so much fun! I didn't realize how much I missed it. We played a name game and then I led them in creating a Halloween story. I started it and they took turns adding to it. I didn't anticipate then having such trouble using chronology. The story was really like ten really short stories that shared only characters, but it was a fun mess. Here's hoping...

Please forgive my sporadic nature lately. Doing any kind of writing seems to take a lot out of me these days, probably because the more I write, the more I scratch the surface OK-ness and see the not-OK-ness that's hidden underneath. But there are still things that make me smile: my niece, conversation with wonderful friends, a good turn in a poem I'm working on, working with kids, reciting line for line the movie Interview With the Vampire as I watch it by myself. I love those moments when you're just content and not thinking about anything else but what's in front of you. That is happiness. I hope to find more of those moments.

To all my fellow bloggers in our little empathetic, dark-humored community, I hope you're all pushing forward and getting closer to accomplishing great things.

Oh, and, Sean, you're doing great. Procrastination is every writer's best friend and strongest enemy. Don't be so hard on yourself; you just finished a draft of a novel! I'm in awe.

--Joseph

I'm Back

I'm back. It's been a long few weeks, but I'll let Brandy tell you about it:

Should anybody ask for me

Tell them I'll be right back

In a real short time

It's just that I lost my mind

I gotta find it

But once I hop on my train of thought

I'll be right back, pronto

To collect myself

There's really nothing you can do to help...

Don't wanna lose my focus...

Lord knows I'm tired

As much as I'd love to join you on planet Earth right now

Know that I'm too hurt right now to be civilized

So I need this time alone

I've had to take myself back again. Actually, I'm still in the beginning phase of it. Everything's a process.

After giving myself to someone and then losing it again, I'm trying to find my way on my own again. This means doing things on my own like going to the movies, going shopping... I'm not one for flying solo, but I'm making myself do it. Trying to learn to appreciate my own company.

Luckily, I have a wonderful cast of friends and family who make it possible for me to come though times like this. Funny how the smallest encouragements from those who care about you can mean so much sometimes.

On a brighter note, I feel like I'm finally moving forward with my writing. I will be a featured poet at Chicano Perk next month! Exciting stuff, let me tell you. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to fill half an hour. But this is a great opportunity for me. Just having my stuff heard is great, even if nothing more comes out of it. If you're ever free on a Wednesday night, I read at the weekly open mic... ;)

In other news, the job switch I've been waiting for is about to happen. I'll be working with the kids again. I have a second interview for a supervisor position with San Diego SAY. Back to where I belong, with the rugrats, rather than behind this desk. The really good thing is with this job, I'll be able to spend two weeks at home for Christmas instead of one. Granted, I don't have the job yet, but I feel like it's mine already. The first interview was great and the second interview is really them observing how I work with a group of kids, and I have plenty of experience in that, so it should be all good. But pray for me just in case...

I hope all has been well with everyone, and, if not, I hope that you have the strength, faith, and support to make it through.

--Joseph

Growing Up?

When I think about all that can happen in a short time, it scares me. In six months, I've ended an almost three year relationship, graduated from UT, moved to California, met and lost the love of my life, and started the process to enroll for my teaching certificate. And I still have over two years here in California. I can't even begin to imagine all that will happen in that time.

For now, I'm just trying to get through the days, recover from what's happened in just these two and a half months since we got here. I hate to sound dramatic; I know some people would scoff at the idea of the end of a relationship being "something to recover from." I don't know what I would say to those people. Not much I could say to them, I suppose.

I feel like I'm finally growing up at 27. It took moving away from home and dealing with another loss to make me realize a lot of things. And it's not always a pleasant experience.

Before I forget, I have to say thank you to Vanessa for a wonderful, thoughtful post that hit home this morning (Friday, September 30). Everyone could get something out of reading it.

Anyhow, this growing up business isn't all it's cracked up to be... Leaving behind old ways is never easy, especially for me, who's so attached to them. Here's hoping I manage to keep my sanity in the meantime.

Keep your heads up, everyone, and look to what makes you happy.

--Joseph