For My Aunt

I've spent the last 3 days with my aunt at her house. In that time, I've done a whole lot of nothing (besides eating), and I've loved it. See, this is my "cool aunt." Everyone has one, or, at least, everyone should. You know, the aunt the cousins go to with their problems 'cause she's the one with the most open ear. The one that still parties after all the other aunts have hung up their party hats. The one who accepts all your peculiarities (especially the ones the parents don't like). She's my mother away from home, the one I can talk with about all the stuff I can't talk to my parents about. In fact, I stayed with her a couple of weeks back at the end of 2003.

Being here gives me serious time to lick my wounds. Kind of my safe spot, my place away from stress to just sit around, have a few beers, and crash on the couch whenever I need to. And my aunt is one of those who always wants to feed whoever's at her house, and me being a big fan of food, it all works out. :)

Anyhow, I've fallen into a bit of a funk today. I can't put my finger on it. Don't know where it came from. Been doing a lot of evaluating, thinking about random things. Maybe I just need to get out of my own head. Actually, I think that's it. I need to get out from under my thoughts for a while. So let me get off this computer and join the living.

I hope everyone has a great time tomorrow night and has the opportunity to see the year off with someone (or someones) they care about. Love to all and Happy New Year!!

--Joseph

How Far Away is 30, Again?

So much going on in my head... job, dating, location. Oh, these turbulent 20's. As much as I claim to dread hitting 30, I think I'm slowly looking forward to it. Hopefully things will even out by then and I can look back on my 20's as "a phase."

So, with the return to California quickly approaching (I know, I know, it's still four days away, but I can feel the sand sliding down the hourglass more and more quickly), I've been evaluating things. First, my job. As much as I wanted to get back to the kids, this position I have now is not adding to my life. Actually, it's stressing me the hell out. Hell, I'd probably be happier doing something like waiting tables and getting serious with my writing. I don't want to work social services the rest of my life. But I am afraid of letting go of a job so soon and especially of letting go of that pay. It's a decent paycheck. But am I willing to sell myself for it? Then again, I do have bills to pay. How much of a concession to practicality do I need to make here?

Now, this dating busines... J and I had been on rocky times for a few weeks now. And with me being in Austin, it didn't get any better and we hit a breaking point. I had broken his heart (you don't know how sorry I am, J), and, to me, that's unforgivable. I've had my heart broken many times and know how it feels, and it's one of the worst things you can do to someone. Especially someone with a big heart--leaves them more vulnerable. In the last few days, I've realized how much I've changed since April. It's like some big switch inside me has turned off and, now, it's harder to believe, to trust, and to love. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. And it's not just the last relationship I was in (altough that did some major damage), but the move, my split with my ex of three years, job frustrations, self-disappointment--everything. I've been blown out of the water. My entire's 20's have been turnbulent, but the last eight months... Whew. I've been barely holdin' on. Now it seems like there's nothing I can hold on to 'cause the scene is constantly shifting. I don't trust in anything anymore. All my foundations are gone and I'm terrified. Anyhow, because of all this, I've caused someone pain. But J and I have decided to take it back to day one. We were honest with each other and talked about what changed and when and what we both wanted and expected. Just a day at a time now. It still scares me, but all one can do is try, I suppose.

And now, location... MY HEART IS IN AUSTIN! It's a little disappointing to see how I've wilted being away from home. I like to think I'm made of stronger stuff than that. But, the more I think about the return to California, the more miserable I become. I feel stronger here, more connected. I've always known Austin was home, but Lord... It's like Samson and his hair. I feel less of myself so far away from here. So, the return to Autin is looming larger in my mind. I don't know if I can be truly hapy in San Diego. And I know happiness is something we make, not something we find (yes, I'm learning to self-actualize), but I can't say anything more than, "Home isn't where you rest your head; home is where your heart is" (thanks for that wake-up call, Johnson.)

All in all, so much to think about. But I feel like I'm inching closer to wherever the hell I'm supposed to be. I've gotta make it happen, whatever it is. And 2006 is the year it will happen. I know it. Good luck to me and to all of you out there.

--Joseph

Beautiful Drunk Mexicans and Portable Hollywood

Let me just say, my family is beautiful. We may be a bunch of ghetto eaters, drinkers, and loudmouths, but I love my loud family with everything I've got. Yesterday was another Christmas with them. See, Christmas is also my grandma's birthday (Happy birthday, Grandma! I love you!), so my family has a huge blowout every year. Tamales, beans, rice, cookies, cakes, beer, liquor--you name it, we've got it. For some people, Christmas is their favorite time of year because of the holiday spirit or they get to see people they don't see all the time, but for me, it's my favorite day because the whole family I've grown up with gets together, puts bullshit aside, and just parties in my grandparents' small house on Eastside. I can't put into words what Christmas is to us.

So, I read my poem, Austin Chicano, for them, and had teary eyes in the house. That's how I know it's good. :p I'm known for making my family cry. When we had my sister's going away party a couple years ago, I read a piece I had written for her. Every damn Mexican in the house was crying. I figure, if I'm gonna cry, then everyone's gonna cry with me, damnit. ;) But, I am very proud of my poem and the family loved it. It just might see publication one day. :)

And now I'm in my last week in Austin. :( I started thinking about it this morning and got all anxious. I know, I know, I have responisibilities in San Diego, but Lord... My heart is in Austin. Sunday will NOT be a fun day. BUT, until then, I still have a week in Austin, which I'm very happy about. And I get to say goodbye to 2005 here. 2006 WILL be a good year, damnit. I'm going to make it a good year. In the famous words of Noxema Jackson: I'm going to make Hollywood wherever I'm at.

Let's all make it Hollywood next year.

Love Y'all,
Joseph

Happy Holidays to My Bloggers!

OK, so I've been sick since Tuesday. Can someone tell me why I'm still constantly coughing and blowing my nose? Not that I'm complaining or anything (me complain?). Anyhow, it's still wonderful to be home. My dad BBQ'ed on Wednesday, but I couldn't taste it because of this damned cold! How's that for disappointment? I'm gonna have to get someone to BBQ again before I go home so I can actually enjoy it.

Not much has happened this week. Lots of sitting at home, trying to sleep this nastiness off. Actually, I've been kinda bummed because I came back broke and haven't told anyone yet that I can't do any Christmas shopping. I guess I should tell them soon, considering it's Christmas Eve eve. I try not to think much about it. I've been telling people I don't need anything when they ask what I want. Partly because I feel guilty and partly because I really don't need anything. My parents bought my plane ticket home. That was more than enough for me. Besides, I'm happy just to have survived the year. It's been a hell of a year. Once again, (everyone say it with me, now), GOOD RIDDANCE TO 2005!

I went to the Trail of Lights Tuesday night with my sister and two of our cousins. It was a good time. We took some goofy pictures next to the Zilker Park Tree and ate at Whataburger afterward. Damn, it's good to just sit with my cousins and goof off, laughing at the dumbest things possible.

Another cousin stopped by my parents' house to visit for a while yesterday afternoon. She's always been good to me--listened to my man problems, offered her perspective, and partied with me many times. :p So good to be home.

Unfortunately, I'll be on a plane back to California next Sunday, but trying not to think about that now. Just soaking up as much of Austin as I can.

I hope you're all enjoying your holiday season just as much or even more. To my blogging family, smile and soak it all up. I'm thinking about y'all. Remember what we're grateful for. If worse comes to worst, count your fingers and toes and be grateful that you have them. :p (I have to resort to that sometimes.) Until next time, smile, you love me. :p

--Joseph

(Intermediate) Lessons Learned

Wow, it feels like I never left. There's no comfort like home. I've seen a couple of friends so far and it feels like I just saw them last week, not five months ago. Strange, after all that's happened in California, how time seems to have mended itself at the seam.

At the same time, though, I feel for the first time a seprateness from my family. I feel more like myself rather than the same Joseph everyone here has always known--the quiet, unobtrusive person everyone's come to know and expect. Maybe I can surprise a few people while I'm here.

I'm realizing now that in the last five months, I've grown more into my own skin. It's been a hell of a process, and it ain't over yet, but I'm getting there. With or without a partner, with or without others' support, I'm getting there. I definitely feel more comfortable with myself than I did in July.

As for the rest of my time here, I plan to do as much of nothing as I can while getting in touch with all my people. Did I mention it's good to be home? I also plan to eat like there's no tomorrow--after I get over this cold. I got sick my second day here. Go figure... It's kicking my ass, but I will not let it keep me from having a good time in Austin.

Some things I've learned in California:

• I WILL survive
• people will disappoint you, no matter who they are
• I am worthy of attention and all the praise anyone wants to give
• there is no one person for anyone, but there are lots of good candidates willing to try
• I'm not as awkward-looking as I thought
• I'm not wrong for the way I feel
• my opinion matters and I should speak it
• it's time to start living

Who would've thought my stubborn ass would learn something?

--Joseph

Back, Finally!

I'm back home! I flew in to Austin Sunday night and am so happy to be back. I'll update with the goings-on here, but much, much love to all my loved ones here and in California.