Dreaming Again (It's a Good Sign)

I'm giving a poetry workshop Saturday morning. Why do I do these things to myself? Someone offers something challenging and I say, "Sure, why not?" Then I kick myself a few days later.

I get to talk about poetry in front of high school kids. Then I'm reading in front of a conference for 15 minutes. Why do I do this to myself?? Don't get me wrong; I'm excited, in a way. I get to share some of my enthusiasm for literature with students (hopefully I don't just bore them) and I get a ready-made audience. But I'm shittin' my pants already.

On a less nerve-wracking note, I'm getting a car! Yay!!! My ex back home and I have reached an agreement. So I will be driving a Mazda 6 back from Texas in May. Exciting stuff, huh?

And I'll be reapplying to grad school this winter. Or so I say. I'll need people to stay on my ass about that, cuz I know me. I get all excited about a big idea, then shy away from it when it looms in front of me. But I want this master's so badly, and the Ph.D. after that. I actually miss school. I miss learning. Damn, that sounded nerdy, I know. But I do! I feel like my brain's leaking out of my ears while I'm not in school. I miss the classroom atmosphere, I miss the amazing professors, I miss discussing the books that we've read or each other's short stories--what worked for us and what didn't. The stimulation of it. I thrive off that stuff.

So, here's to hoping that I get into a writing program this time around. Hopefully, next fall, I'll be packing up the car and heading to wherever I'll be studying next, off to work with a group of other aspiring, insecure, bitter writers like myself. Ah, to dream... :)

So, keep dreaming with me, y'all. 2006 is promising big things. It will be a good year. :D Love to you all.

--Joseph

An Unexpected (But Very Welcome) Call

Shinta called! Yay! :D Gotta love the unexpected calls from good friends.

Haven't posted in a while with my parents here. Between sleeping in the living room and working my ass off, I have been EXHAUSTED. But I had to post tonight after talking with Shinta for a while. Definitely left a smile on my face. :)

Will post more later when I'm more awake. But thank you, Shinta, for wonderful conversation, and to all my unexpected friends who have lent support. Love to all of you.

Goodnight for now...

--Joseph

Instant Regression

I had a dream about him and can't get back to sleep, despite the fact that I'm so tired that my eyes sting. I dreamed that I called him and he came back, partly out of worry from hearing how I sounded and partly because he missed me. When he came back, we reunited and everything was as it should be--for a time. I grabbed his face and pulled it toward mine, just looked into his eyes. We talked, we kissed, every time we sat down near each other, he put my feet up on his lap, we laughed. I know this is all pathetic and I'll probably read this in the morning and think hat the hell am I doing, typing this and giving in to it. But, damn, it was one of those involved, detailed dreams that seems to last for hours. And in the dream, he left to do something and promised things were the way they should be again, that he would be right back. And, in the way dreams have gone lately, he disappeared again and the rest of the dream was spent with me frantically trying to find him again.

After all this time, after all the progress, one dream brings it all back, and here I am again, in front of the TV, ridiculously exhausted, unable to sleep. It has been five months. Why is he still so present? Why can't I just get over it the same way he obviously has? "Tell me now/ Why you're so far away/ When I'm still so close."

So, for the first time in a long time, I signed on to AIM, hoping that he'd be online and see me there (I got rid of his screen name long ago). That is how pathetic I am. Still praying for the miraculous reuniting of lovers, even when I know beyond doubt it will never happen.

It still hurts like hell. I still wonder if I will ever love that completely and intensely again. When will I be myself again?

Invasion of the Parents

So my parents are in town. They flew in Saturday night. I was nervous--didn't know what to expect. But it's been good. We've been hanging out a lot at the apartment. Mom came to my open mic tonight at Chicano Perk. We've got some stuff planned for the weekend. It's nice. As crazy as my parents make me sometimes, it's nice to have the family together for a couple of weeks. Well, the family plus my brother-in-law (grumble, grumble).

Work's still going well. Busy as all hell, but not bad. Keeps me busy, keeps my mind occupied. Always a good thing. The dreaded ex is still on my mind. Why is beyond me. All that matters is what is. Lord knows I still have my moments, but thank God I'm getting past it and have great people supporting me.

As for J and I, we haven't spoken in a few days. We decided to cut the damage short. In time, hopefully, we'll be able to enjoy each other's company again without complications. Until then, we'll make it.

And now it's off to bed, which is the living room floor for now because my parents have occupied my bedroom. I am EXHAUSTED. Work has been something else. More soon. Lots on my mind. I hope all is well in everyone's world. Love to all of you.

--Joseph