Finally, the Final Goodbye

He came and picked up the rest of his stuff from my apartment last night. It's like removing an entire part of my life from myself. I didn't know whether to be relieved or broken after he left. No Hello, no I'll always think about you. Just went through the bags and gave a noncommital Thanks before speeding off, away from me.

Most likely the last time I'll ever see him. You never know which will be the last kiss, which will be the last time you see their smile. Now, all I can do is remember it and bare the sharp pain that comes with that remembrance.

I know I'll live. I know that eventually I'll be all right. But, right now, all I can feel is the emptiness he left behind.

Blogging, Confusion, and a Little Hope

First, a huge thanks to Shinta for the shoutout in her blog. Thanks! :) If my rantings help someone else rant as well, then my day is a little better.

I'm enjoying this blog business. What I'm starting to notice is the building of a small (dare I say?) blog community. You run into a blog you can relate to, read the blogs that the blogger reads, leave comments here and there, those people read your blog and leave comments, and you have a little network going. I like :) Makes me feel a little less hopeless about things in general.

Reading Shinta's "When Harry Almost Met Sally" post got me thinking about things. I've never been one to be friends with my exes. One, I become a bitter brown at the end of a relationship; two, I'm not the type who's able to put all the emotional issues behind me with the wave of a magical Kleenex and move on as healthy people should. BUT, it seems that I'm at that crossroads now with my ex(?).

We hadn't spoken to each other all week. After talking every single day for over three months, that was a painful stretch. And I have the classic symptoms: appetite coming and going, having to sleep with the TV on (When I do sleep), and I'm sure plenty more white hairs that I'll find next time I get a haircut. I've been waking up well before my alarm, and if I'm lucky, I'll get back to sleep. It's about 50/50 odds. I ended up waking up twenty minutes before the alarm, so there was no bother trying to fall back asleep.

And, you now those feeling you get, that you have to do something, and if you don't, you know it'll bug you the rest of the day? Yeah, that feeling. I got it as soon as I sat up in bed. Something was telling me to check my e-mail. And I've learned to not ignore that little persistent voice.
So, I open the laptop, telling myself I don't have any e-mail because even if Mr. Man were to e-mail some day, he has no time before work to do it.

Sure enough, my little G-Mail mail icon highlights itself in blue and there's his name. So, I get on AOL IM, and, voila, he's online. We chat and of course it doesn't follow the fantasy chat I have in my head, but the bottom line is we have the chance to still be friends, salvage something of this relationship.

This is where it gets complicated. Lord knows I care for this boy with everything I've got, and I have to admit, I don't want to lose him altogether. So, I have that little angel sitting on one shoulder. And on the opposite one, I think about everything I've been through the past two weeks and how angry that makes me and how I can't just turn off the things I feel in favor of a friendship and I'm afraid I'll always want more and I don't want to set myself up for more disappointment.

So I take all this and think to myself, "Well, there's your answer." And then that first little angel, who's been waiting patiently all along, looks at me, unphased, and says calmly (and with a little bit of a smartass smirk on his face), "But you don't want to lose him altogether."

Fun stuff, I tell you. Plenty more to tell the therapist this afternoon. I'm still as confused and as tired as ever, just with a little bit of hope thrown in now. And that scares me to, because hope always comes packaged with the potential for disappointment. I just hope I don't have to open that package anymore.

--Joseph

Trying to Step Forward

Since being jarred by the very unexpected end of yet another relationship (that's four in four years now), I've made some developments.

In the midst of all the reevaluating I've been doing, I've decided to get a teaching certification. I was an education major once upon a time. I've done plenty of work with kids. I used to work in an afterschool program and last year worked as a mentor and tutor. The desire to teach has always been there, but I've been fighting it for years. Why? Well, teachers have to put up with a lot to do what they do, and I didn't want to deal with all that. But, working this administrative job, I realized I could either make a decent paycheck and be unsatisfied every day or I could go for what I know will make me happy. So... here goes a big career step. Can't say career change because I knew to begin with that this wasn't a career; it's a paycheck. Meanwhile, I'll keep writing and working toward publication.

Also, I'm going to start seeing a therapist. A therapist, of all things. I come from a very no-nonsense family. To us, a therapist is someone characters in Lifetime movies see. But I've finally given in there, too. It's time for me to figure out some things about myself and try to change them for the better. I have an appointment set for tomorrow and don't have the first idea what to expect. Here's hoping...

I've also decided to remain single for a good while. Just saying that scares me senseless. I'm not the single type, by any means. Thus, my relationship-hopping. But I know in my head that I need to untangle myself, and that means standing on my own for a while. I've had a friend tell me that I can't count myself out in the dating department, that you never know what may happen. I'll give him that, but I just don't have the energy at this point. And, as much as I love having another person in my life, I'm afraid of running down the same path again. So, we'll see how well I do sticking to that.

Other than that, day by day. Trying to appreciate what I have in front of me.

I hope everyone is doing well and is able to accept whatever comes their way with grace.

--Joseph

Rain, Finally

It is raining. I know that's hardly a newsflash, but in the two months I've lived here, I'd yet to see a raindrop until today.

The sky grayed, a few warning drops fell, then the pouring began. I'm amazed. I even heard thunder.

One woman sitting outside made me realize how spoiled people are by the sun here: "Oh my God, is it raining?" This while it's pouring right in front of her. "I can't believe it's raining. That's so weird." Then she called someone on her cell, probably to ask if it's really raining.

Yes, lady, it is, indeed, raining. The sky's finally broken.

--Joseph

Still No Closer...

The popular opinion is that happiness is around the corner, we just have to persevere in order to get to it. Everything happens for a reason and better things are sure to come.

How many times have we heard all of this? Now, I know none of us are on a set schedule and that just because we want something now, that doesn't mean we're going to get it now. But, I wonder more with time how much any one of us has to go through to get to that "happiness around the corner." What is the price of happiness?

I've come to the point where I am due some happiness. I'm tired of telling myself, "It'll happen. Just give it a little more time." What more price do I need to pay?

On second thought, maybe I shouldn't ask that. The answer might be scarier than I want to know.

I Love Medea!

My sister and I are watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Lord, everybody needs to see this movie! It's got drama, comedy, everything. And everybody needs a Medea in their life! Please, please, please, at least rent this movie if you're not gonna buy it.

Hope everyone's week is going well.

--Joseph

Unwanted Twins

Have you ever seen someone who looks so much like someone you know that it scares you? Especially if it's someone you haven't seen in years, your memory plays tricks on you and you convince yourself that it could be that person.

I was in the elevator at work coming back up from checking the office mailbox and saw someone who was almost a dead ringer for one of my exes. Good Lord, talk about being startled! That particular ex was, up to that point, the love of my life; very intense stuff that went on there. And I have yet to see anyone who looks like him because he has a unique look. That is, until today. Funny how certain things bring back memories you haven't thought of in years. Craziness...

--Joseph

Thanks

Just wanted to give an out-loud thanks to Shinta, for having an entertaining and thoughtful blog and for being my first and frequent commentor on my blog. :) Knowing someone's reading is always a good thing.

Some Realizations

Back at work this Tuesday. With all that's been going on in my relationship, I've come to some realizations that I like to think of as breakthroughs for me. These are things I probably should've come to sooner, but better now than never.

My family has always been my life. My sister, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles have always surrounded me, and I'm grateful for that. I grew up with huge family parties and my grandparents' house after church on Sundays. I lived in Austin for 26 years with immediate access to any part of my family.

The bad thing about this is that I've become too comfortable. One of the things I've realized is that my family is a vital part of my life--and always will be--but they shouldn't be my life. This is one of the ways I've limited myself. This came about because Marcus and I are concerned about where we'd end up after our time in California (neither of us intend to stay here permanently). Part of me was fixed on returning to Austin. This was my original plan when I decided to move to San Diego with my sister--we'd be here until my brother-in-law's term in the Coast Gurad is over, then head back home. But I've realized that for me to start a life with someone, I may very likely have to give up Austin and the comfort I've known there. I can't follow my family around all my life; then I'll never have a life of my own. I'll be fifty and still scared of leaving the familiarity I've always known. I can't live my life for my family; I have to live it for me.

Another thing I've realized is how wide-open my life is, and how much world is really out there. It took me finally moving out of Austin for me to see that. Who knows where I'll end up? If I do end up single after my stint here in CA, I'll most likely return to Austin, but so much can happen between now and then. There's no telling what will occur and where it'll take me.

All this has come about because I've had to think long and hard about the next couple of years as Marcus and I discuss what path we may be taking. But I finally know that I'm ready for whatever that entails. I'm ready to try something new, to finally start a life of my own. 27's as good a place to start as any.

--Joseph

In Times Like These...

Rough night... I'm going on one hour of sleep. Trying to wrap my head around this, but I'm not having much success. But, as usual, my friends have been my saving grace. I owe my sanity to them at times.

With all these developments, I'm feeling my homesickness now. It's just compounding everything.

Trying to take it one moment at a time. Here are my thoughts on this:

In Times Like These

In times like these, I return to life’s basics.
The sun rose this morning,
the birds still chirp;
the clockwork keeps running
despite my hurt.

I search for constancy to soothe my pain.
We all survive,
babies are born;
people make love
even in the midst of war.

I need distractions to bring me perspective:
long chats with friends,
a romp with my niece,
anything to give my mind
long-needed peace.

In times like these, I turn to whatever
reminds me that the world will weather
all that comes
and all that will go.
I turn to it for a promise of hope.

I hope everyone's week is off to a good start and that everything works out the best for all of us.

--Joseph

Trying to Recover

Why are the end of relationships so difficult? I've mentioned before that I know people who are fine with being alone, who don't seemed to be phased much by their relationship status, or lack of one. I've also mentioned that I'm not one of those people.

It seems I'm at the tail end of yet another relationship. That makes four in four years. And it never gets any easier. I'm not one who has "casual" relationships. I tend to go all the way into it relatively quickly. Doesn't take much for me to fall. I've spent years trying to understand why, but the conclusion I'm coming to is that's just the way I'm built. I've tried to change it, tried to keep some distance as I ease into a relationship, but no matter how many times I try to tell myself I'm going to do it this time, it never happens.

What follows may sound terribly naive and domestic, especially since it seems to be in fashion for modern twenty-somethings to be independent and stand-alones.

I've been hoping for years to find the person I can spend my life with. Yes, that's right, the rest of my life. I know not many people in their twenties are looking for that. But if I could just have someone that I love and I can lie down with at night, wake up to in the morning, make good love to, and spend my days with, I would be a happy, happy person—and finally feel at peace.
The trend lately is that I seem to find someone who fits the bill and they come up with some reason down the line why they're not that person, or why I'm not that person for them. I was with one man for almost three years before it finally ended. You would think after all that time, we'd have some solid footing...

Anyhow, relationships continue to intrigue and defeat me. No matter how I think I have one down, it never fails. Something catches me by surprise. My partner says something that trips me up. And nothing they say after that makes it any easier. In fact, when they start with the, “I didn’t want it to turn out like this; I never meant to hurt you,” it just makes me feel worse. It makes me angry and sadder. How can you have the audacity to sound sad when you’re the one doing this? I know that sounds petulant, but when you’re feeling raw and wide open, petulance is the first resort.

The rest is a matter of recovering from the stun. Mostly because that’s all I can do at this point. No one can force anyone else to do anything. No one can make anyone else stay. All one can do is try to recover and hold it together.

--Joseph

Waking Up to the World--Slowly

Thank God for sleep and long talks with best friends. After sleeping on things for a couple of nights and chats with some good online friends, and a reality check from my best friend, Corey, I'm starting to get some perspective on things.

It seems I'm following the same pattern I always do in relationships: I get all wrapped up in the other person and put ALL my energy into the relationship. That in itself isn't a bad thing, but it is a bad thing that I ignore every other aspect of my life. I've made no friends here. I haven't done any of the things I love to do; I haven't been to any museums, haven't been to a coffee shop, haven't seen any movies. I'm not stimulating myself in any way, much less culturally. I'm in a new environment and haven't bothered to take any of it in.

I'd started seeing this emerge, but it took Corey articulating it for it to become clear.

Relationships in general fascinate me--the way different people react to them and act in them. It's what I write most about. Some people are casual in relationships, some--like me--go all out and lose themselves in them. That point where two lives intersect, that's the point I want to understand. What pulls two people together, especially opposites? It seems lately the guys I've become involved with are NOTHING like me. And that challenges me, which I know is good for me because I need to get out of this comfort zone of mine.

In the end, I hope it works out. I know I'll be fine either way, but it's that time. I'm tired of the go-round. Then again, who isn't? We all deserve a little happiness when we can get it.

Interesting rambling for a Sunday afternoon. But things are becoming clearer to me. I know now what I have to do. I need to get my own shit together, build my life here in San Diego. There's no reason why I can't devote myself to someone and still have my life. I haven't experienced life yet and I'm 27 years old. It's time. It's going to be a challenge, because left on my own, I'd wait on my man hand and foot. But it's time for to me get out there and see what the world has to offer.

I hope everyone's life is moving in a positive direction and that we're all taking what life has to offer.

--Joseph

Not the Best Friday Night...

It's been a long and trying day. Here's the deal: the relationship that I'm in now seems to be floating on thin ice that seems to be getting thinner all the time. This isn't the place for details. Some things, after all, are sacred. But, suffice it to say that what I had thought was secure has been shaken badly.

Like most people, I've been through my share of relationships that didn't work. I know there's nothing special in that. Hell, there are people who've been married for years, only to end their marriage in unhappy divorce. Seems common enough these days. But, for me, I've been through it enough. I've paid my dues. It's time for me to find some happiness and security.

I've said before that my biggest fear is mediocrity. That's half the truth. Although I hate to admit it, I'm just as afraid of being alone and ending up alone. That sounds dramatic, I know, and I hate drama queens as much as the next person. But that's just the unabashed truth. It seems that finding someone to call my own is a bigger concern for me than it is for most people. I wish I could be more like some people I know who are fine with being by themselves. I know plenty of people who prefer it, but that's where the difference in personal build comes in. I'm just not built that way. I want someone who I can lie down with every night and wake up with every morning and come home to every day. I know this all sounds terribly cheesy, but it's all true.

I probably shouldn't, but I look at long-term couples with an envious eye. I want to be that person who says, "Yeah, we've been together for x years. Oh, the things we've been through..." Then I would laugh and talk about some trials we've been through with a dismissive wave of the hand. "And here we are." And everyone around me laughs and smiles, perhaps even envying me for the relationship I have. And people will ask how we met and I'll get to tell them that story and they'd all say, "awww," and I'd grab my partner's hand and squeeze it and know that we'll still be together tomorrow.

Sappy, right? Well, I'm a sappy person. I have to admit it now. Besides success in writing, that's all I've ever wanted--just someone to call mine and who I can lean on and who can lean on me. Not someone who I think is that person, only to find out for whatever reason down the road that once again, I was wrong.

Granted, nothing fatal happened. No relationships suddenly ended tonight. Mine is still intact, but for the first time, it's in question. I don't want this to end up the same way all the others have. I don't want this one to be another part of the story that "just didn't work." You can only have so many sad parts of a story before you just lose the reader.

This hasn't been a good night for me. Hopefully a night of sleep will change my perspective of things. Hopefully things won't seem so bleak tomorrow. For now, I'm waiting for my NyTol to kick in. I've been off it for a while, but for a good night's sleep tonight, it's a necessity. The last thing I need is a night lying in bed, thinking about unhappy things.

Anyhow, it's the beginning of the weekend. Things have to go up from here. Or, so I hope. I hope everyone else's weekend is off to a good start. Good night to all and have fun.

--Joseph

Hope

Good morning, all. I'm tired as usual, sitting at my desk at work, reading through the Austin newspaper online. I've been reading the news about Katrina with growing interest as more Louisianans pour into my home state and city. Like everyone else, I've been saddened, horrified, and disheartened by the stories and pictures that have been coming from New Orleans. But, as I knew would happen, and as happens in the face of any disaster, the stories of faith, hope, and revival are surfacing.

One article is about the musical community that has been displaced into Austin. One of the Neville brothers, a jazz label exec, and many jazz musicians are holed up in hotels and temporary homes and Austin is welcoming them with gusto. Bars and clubs are already booking gigs for them. Cyril Neville is planning a weekly dinner to bring together the New Orleans musicians who suddenly find themselves in a city that, although new and different, has the same love of music as New Orleans. What amazes me is that these musicians are already getting into their groove. They're turning to what they love even after losing everything they own. And people in Austin, and other cities as well, are doing what they can to help them do that. And where would we all be without our music?

Another article is about people maintaining their faith after this disaster. There's a picture of a woman attending a Catholic Mass by herself on a Wednesday afternoon at the Austin Convention Center. She's wearing a garish red sweatshirt and a touristy bright red baseball cap, both of which remind that she's surviving on bare minimums. She seems out of place in that strange clothing, bowing her head in prayer, but isn't this whole situation out of place? It rose up out of our every day humdrum to remind us of how vulnerable we really are, even though we like to convince ourselves otherwise.

But, people are surviving. They're finding new jobs, enrolling their kids in new schools, turning back to the things they love to get them through. People are always stronger than they think they are. This is not to say that everything's going to be fine from now on. We've still got sad images to come as New Orleans resurfaces. There are still so many sad stories we haven't heard of families that have been splintered and will never be the same after their losses of cherished possessions and loved ones. But, the sun keeps rising every day, and these people will go on. And they WILL rebuild.

I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I've visited New Orleans twice, and it's the only city I've been in besides Austin where I felt at home. I wandered the city all day, looking at the architecture, the streets, the sky. The city is amazing. And to see it in ruin depresses me. All we can do is keep hoping.

Aren't I idealistic this morning? See what a little inspirational reading can do? Even for a cynical little bastard like me. Go figure.

Gonna get back to my paper now. Just had to share and spread a little hope. Have a good Thursday morning, all.

--Joseph

Bored at Work

OK, I'm waiting out the last 20 minutes at work with nothing to do. Not that I'm complaining; I could have 50 things to do with 20 minutes left. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind getting paid for my boredom. I just want the clock to move a little more quickly.

I should be writing. I'm working on a collection of short stories that I'm praying will be my big break. Right now, I'm almost halfway through the second draft of one of the stories. I'm a notoriously slow writer. I rewrite and rewrite about twelve times, until I can't stand to look at the story anymore. I think of myself as a good revisionist as opposed to a good writer.

Anyhow, I'm trying out a new writers' group on Monday. I'm excited. I get to socialize with writers other than myself. I tend to get bored of myself after a while. Look at me now, sitting here at my desk, desperate for someone else to talk to just for some entertainment. But I will finally meet some new writers next week. I'm also excited about meeting some new people in San Diego. My world here consists of my coworkers, sister, niece, and boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with all of them, but I need social circle! It wouldn't be so bad if my man didn't live two hours way. Then we could see each other more than two days out of the week. But, things are as they are and I have to make do.

OK. I've killed a couple of minutes. That's progress...

How can I not completely bore you? See, writer's block gets me even when I'm just rambling. That's not a good sign. Just have to put one word in front of the other...

I just came up with a question. How many of us actually get to do with our lives what we want to? I know so many people who have told me, "I always wanted to..." Example: my ex always wanted to be an attorney, but is spending his career in the administrative part of the medical field. Why? I don't understand it. I guess I'm just too stubborn to understand working just to work. I know, I know. We all have to make a living, but why not do what we want to do with our lives? I feel like there's just something I'm not comprehending here. I could spend every day saying "I've always wanted to be a writer," but why when I could sit down and write? Am I making any sense?

One of my biggest fears in life has always been living a mediocre life. I don't mean I want to be famous (well, it wouldn't be a bad bonus), but I always knew I didn't just want to work a 9-5 for the rest of my life and die. I want to leave behind some kind of impression, you know? I want to be known for something. The way I see it, writing isn't just something I have a passion for and a passing skill at, but it's my ticket out of that bland life that I've always avoided. Maybe I'm being too flighty and idealistic. My mom keeps telling me, "You have to join the real world some time." But, why that real world? Just because I have big ambition doesn't mean I'm living in a fantasy. OK, now I'm arguing with her in my head.

This has been a problem for me, though. When I applied for grad school straight out of undergrad, my parents weren't happy. They wondered when I planned to "get a real job" and stop spending my life in school. But, the way I see it, I'm in different circumstances than they were back in the day. I don't have kids to raise; I don't have a house to make payments on. If I can take the opportunity to educate myself, why not? I suppose it's just a generational difference that's causing the friction there. But I refuse to live the 9-to-5-receive-your-pension-at-70-like-a-good-little-boy life. I'd be miserable. As it is, I realize at this job that this isn't for me. Granted, it's a good job and I like the people I work with and for. And the pay isn't bad (Lord knows that's a perk), but I also know that I don't want to be doing this same thing 5 years from now.

Am I asking too much? To actually be happy and fulfilled in this life and not just make a paycheck? I don't think so. I'll let y'all know how it turns out. For now, it's time to go home!

Thanks for keeping me company.

--Joseph

A Late Introduction

With all the blathering I did about recent changes yesterday, I didn't give much introductory information about myself. So, here are a few random facts:

I'm left-handed.
I'm a bookworm. I'm constantly in the middle of some book or another. Right now, it's Donna Tartt's The Little Friend. Now, this woman can write. Very well-imagined book. Not of the page-turner type--Ms. Tartt takes her time setting things up--but very well written and enjoyable so far.
I still look at the keys when I type. I'm a fairly quick typist, but I never learned the conventional way we're all suppose to type, so my eyes tend to go back to the keyboard. I'm trying to train myself otherwise as I write this, but my patience is running low.
I'm resistant to change. Of course, everyone is, to some extent. But, I am known for my fear of leaving my comfort zone. So much of my life contributes to this. I came from a large family, so a huge part of my social circle was already made for me. I lived in one city for almost 27 years. I'm an introvert. You see where this is going... BUT, I am working on this, partly because I'm with a guy from Jersey whose tastes are as varied as mine are confined. Which leads perfectly into...
I prefer mid-tempo R&B. I'm also picky about my music, and, of course, Marcus's musical tastes are wide open, so I'm working on that one, too. It's all a process...
I'm an oldest sibling. It's just me and my sis, five years apart. It's a good thing Mom didn't have anymore because I hate to think how mean Nicole and I would've been to it. We've already thought of all the ways we would've tortured it.
I'm a night person. Left to my own devices, I normally stay up far too late. I seem to be more productive in the later hours.
I'm relationship-oriented, which is a nice way of saying I'm a wimp about being on my own. In the past 14 years, I've spent maybe four total being single. It's just not my thing. But, luckily, I am with a damn good man now and I have the feeling the years of frustration may be over. Am I hoping for too much?
I'm self-contradicting. I like my alone time, but need people around me. I'm generally a strong person, but when it comes to relationships and people I care about, I turn to mush. I'm driven and ambitious, but can drag my ass like no one else. Does this mean I'm interesting or just neurotic?
I'm a worrier and have the white hairs at 27 to prove it.
I have wonderful friends. My supporting cast has been one of the best. What can I say? I'm lucky.
I'm a writer. Yeah, I've said it before, but I like saying it. Writing's my first love, and the only thing I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, job-wise. All the other jobs pay the bills. Hopefully, writing will do that one day and I will be one happy Mexican. Until then, still vying for the big break.
I'm a Southerner and never felt like one as much as I do now that I'm away from it. Not only that, but dating a Yankee (yes, we still call them Yankees) makes me feel more southern. And, no, I don't mean Yankee in a derogatory way, just Southern speak for Northerners, especially Northeasterners. Anyhow, I can't speak badly of them; I'm in love with one.
I'm a Sex and the City junkie. How can you not like the show? Excellent writing, casting, acting. It's compelling TV, I tell ya.

That's all the odds and ends off the top of my head. I'm writing this at work while doing territory reassignments (I always have such trouble typing that word). The system takes few minutes for everything I'm doing, so I have to pass the time.

I hope all is well with everyone. I'll ramble later.

--Joseph

Keeping Up With Change

I decided to start a blog after reading Sean's wonderful musings. Granted, I probably won't be half as amusing as he is, but a guy can always hope.

The word of the year has been "change." I moved to San Diego two months ago after living all my life (almost 27 years) in Austin, TX. What I've come to realize is that not everyone is as frantically devoted to a city as my family is to Austin. My sister and I grew up there, my mother and her siblings grew up there, my grandparents grew up there, my great-grandmother used to own all the land around her house there... You can tell where this is heading. My family does not leave. We're even all buried in the same cemetery in Austin, where I'll be buried some day.

So, now the question is, "Why did you leave?" My brother-in-law is in the Coast Guard, which means he, my sister, and my baby niece get shipped around. They were living in Virginia for a while and I went to visit them for Spring Break in March. They had invited me to move with them to San Diego in July, but at the time, I had been in a relationship for almost three years and I was in the middle of a hectic semester at UT, so I wasn't in the position to consider a move like that, as fun as it sounded. Then, lo and behold, I finally graduate, my relationship ends, and I'm nearing the end of my year with AmeriCorps, so I was finally without any obligations in Austin. Then, I had to worry about where I would end up for grad school if I was accepted to any writing programs. I wasn't. So, it was off to sunny San Diego.

Some things I miss about home:
my family
my bar (no juke joint like The Cozy Corner)
my friends
thunder storms (isn't there ever any weather here?)
Southern accents
BBQ (I've tried it once here; no more until I get home)
my grandparents' house on East Side
knowing where I am, no matter what part of town I'm in
coffee at Mozart's on the lake
sunsets on the Congress Bridge

Now, this isn't to say San Diego isn't a nice city. I do like it. Weather's nice. I love being able to step out of my house without breaking into an instant sweat in the middle of the summer. The breezes on cool mornings are incredible. I live in a nice apartment complex. There's stuff to do here and lots of good restaurants (yes, I'm a food junkie). Not a bad choice as far as places to live. The only big complaint I have is that it's not home. But what can one do about that?

Now, back to this "change" concept. I also came out of an almost three year relationship before I left Austin. And, much like my discovering that I'm much more sensitive to leaving home than most people, I'm also sadly sensitive to people in my life. Ask anyone, and they'll tell you I'm not a people person. I can be if I'm paid to be; Lord knows I've worked enough customer service jobs. But I prefer to stay within my small, tight network. Anyhow, I went through the requisite ups and downs with my ex-boyfriend (yes, boyfriend) and, in the end, it didn't work. Yes, yes, this happens to everybody and finding the right person is a process and each relationship is a learning experience... I've heard all the wonderful wisdom about this kind of thing. And it helps--after I'm done hating the person I've broken up with for weeks. Let me stop rambling and say that I was shocked to find myself single again. This is after living with my ex for about two years.

AND (no, I'm not done yet) I FINALLY graduated. I started at UT back in '96 and became a college dropout several times since, the longest stretch from about 2001 to 2004. Then miracles happened, the stars aligned, and I finally got my head out of my ass and got back to school to finish my last 24 hours. And let me tell you, crossing that stage was a hell of an experience. I was so excited my hands were sweating the whole time I was sitting through the ceremony. Whew! Put that one on the list of greatest personal achievements.

And I can't forget the new job. I've fallen into a District Office Coordinator position with a financial services company. Of course, the title is a lot fancier than the job. Now I'm a new cog in the corporate world.

Change, change, change--something I'm notoriously bad at dealing with. But that's been all I've encountered for months now. And--surprise, surprise--I'm still alive. I still stop myself sometimes and wonder how the hell I got to San Diego, of all places, but here I am. I've been here for all of two months, and it already feels like a lot longer.

And now Sex and the City's on so I gotta go. Good night to all.

--Joseph